Emancipation and the limits of obedience

The other obligations of children towards their parents are permanent and last as long as life, but that of obedience ceases with their emancipation, In England children are emancipated from the control of their parents when they become twenty-one years of age, when they marry, or when they enter into religion; for as soon as they have attained the age of puberty they are independent of their parents in what concerns the salvation of their souls and the choice of a state of life.

A minor may also enlist as a soldier without his parents’ consent according to the English law.

Moreover, when a child has attained years of discretion, which he is considered to do at sixteen, it would seem that he may lawfully depart from home and provide for himself, if it be for his advantage. This, of course, supposes that the necessities of his parents or of his brothers and sisters do not require that he should remain at home. If a youth has acted in this way, and it appears to be for his benefit, English courts will not compel him to return home, and it was the common teaching of the classical moralists that in acting thus a youth would do nothing wrong.¹

¹ Laymann, lib. 3, tract. 4, c. 8, n. 13.

34. The obedience to be furnished by children to parents is not unlimited, but has its own boundaries by which it is circumscribed. - The reason is that obedience is to be furnished according to the power of the Superior; namely, in those things to which the right of prelation extends. But paternal power does not exceed the rule and governance of the family, and the right education of the children. Aptly St. Thomas, Quodl. 2, q. 5, a. 9: "It must be said that, since obedience is owed to a prelate, the debt of obedience extends to those things to which the right of prelation extends. But a carnal father has the right of prelation over a son, first indeed as regards domestic conversation. For the father of a family is in the house as the king is in the kingdom; hence, just as subjects of the king are bound to obey the king in those things which pertain to the governance of the kingdom, so also children and others are bound to obey the father of the family in those things which pertain to the dispensation of the house. Secondly as regards discipline of morals, whence the Apostle says at Heb. 12:9: We had fathers of our flesh as instructors and we obeyed them. For the father owes the son not only education, but also discipline, as the Philosopher says. Therefore in these things the son is bound to obey the carnal father, and not in others."

40. Even at a greater age, as has already been said, children owe parents love, honor, reverence, and also help, if they need it; because they are always children, those always parents. But the obligation of obedience ceases when the son is no longer under paternal power. C. L. 142. This paternal power ceases at the son's greater age, or by emancipation. But if the son, although of age or emancipated, continues to dwell in the paternal house, he remains still subject to the father, and is bound to obey him in those things which pertain to domestic order, by reason of domestic power which is in the father over the whole house.

369. Questions. - Q. 1. Whether children are bound to obey parents in the choice of state?

Resp. No, per se, because every man, as regards the manner of tending to God as his ultimate end, is altogether independent of other men ²; and therefore parents sin gravely who force unwilling children, either directly or even indirectly, to choose a state, whether religious, or clerical, or conjugal; or contrariwise, if they impede them, altogether unwilling, from choosing some state of life without a just cause.

² Understand the manner of tending to God as regards the state of life. For to tend to God as the ultimate end is through any acts whatsoever; yet we are not so independent from other men in any acts whatsoever that we are not bound not only by ecclesiastical and civil laws, but also by the precepts of parents even in those things which look to the worship of God, as in fact the Author himself noted above, n. 368, res. 3.

Two principles which St. Thomas uses bear more on the matter, namely: 1. that God calling is to be obeyed more than men contradicting; 2. that in those things which pertain to the nature of the body, man is not bound to obey man, but only God, because all men are equal by nature: "Whence children are not bound... to obey parents concerning contracting marriage, or preserving virginity, or some other such thing." See 2. 2, q. 101, art. 4, and q. 104, art. 5.

I said per se. For it must be said otherwise if parents contradict children for grave and reasonable causes, for example if, being placed in grave necessity, they need the assistance of a son, and he cannot help them in another way except by remaining with them. - St. Alphonsus, n. 335. - Elbel.

Q. 2. Whether children can embrace the religious state without the knowledge of the parents?

Resp. Per se it is affirmed. Indeed sometimes a son will act more prudently if, feeling himself divinely called to the religious or clerical state, and observing that access will be unjustly closed to him by his parents, he conceals the matter from them and executes the divine will. Yet this is not to be advised to children who are minors, as often as the matter does not urge so much, or it is not sufficiently clear concerning the divine vocation. - St. Alphonsus, l. 4, n. 68. Especially in France, and where the same disposition of the laws flourishes, one must beware of furnishing such counsel to minor children, since by the aid of the secular arm parents can take them away from any place whatever and recall them to themselves.

978. (c) But children are not held to obey parents in the choice of the state of life, although generally it is greatly expedient to seek their counsel. The reason is that vocation to a particular state is an act of divine providence which transcends the authority of parents; besides, since the happiness of the young depends very greatly on such an election, it belongs to them to choose and embrace this state, according to the sweet inclination which they experience and the admonitions of a spiritual director. Yet it is useful to seek the counsel of progenitors, especially if the matter concerns the lay state, since in these matters they have greater experience than adolescents.

Wherefore children can enter religion or receive sacred orders, while parents dissent, provided they enter this plan not lightly, but after mature deliberation. What power they have in order to matrimony we have already set forth on Matrimony, p. 217-221.

b) The duty of filial obedience ceases to bind when parents command their children to do something that is bad in itself or a proximate occasion of sin, for Jesus says, “He that loveth father or mother more than me, is not worthy of me.”¹⁴

¹⁴ Matth. X, 37; Luke XIV, 26; Acts IV, 19; V, 29.—St. Augustine, Enarr. in Ps., LXX, s. I, n. 2: “In this matter alone a son ought not to obey his father, if his father has commanded something against the Lord his God. For the father ought not to be angry when God is preferred to him. But when a father commands that which is not against God, he is to be hearkened to as God, because God commanded that one obey one’s father.” (Migne, P. L., XXXVI, 875).—IDEM, Sermones, 100 (al. 7 de Verbis Domini), c. 1, n. 2: “The father is to be honored, but God is to be obeyed; the begetter is to be loved, but the Creator is to be preferred.”—Ibid., c. 2: “Love your parents, but prefer God to your parents.” (P. L., XXXVIII, 603).

Nor does the duty of obedience bind a child in the choice of a vocation or state of life. Parents have no right to compel their children to embrace a vocation which would require them to renounce marriage or the religious life. If they fear that they will be exposed to extreme want through the marriage of a child, or his reception into a religious order, they may demand that the one or the other act be postponed, and in that case the child should not resist. Children may enter a religious order against the will and without the knowledge of their parents if they are unable to overcome parental resistance and there is no danger that the parents will suffer want. Minors, however, should be kept back as long as possible, since in their case the matter is not urgent and their vocation as yet uncertain.¹⁵

¹⁵ St. Alphonsus, Theol. Mor., l. III, n. 335: “Here it must be noted that children are not bound to obey in those matters which pertain to choosing a state of life. Hence parents sin gravely who compel them, even indirectly, against their will, to choose a state of life, whether religious, clerical, or matrimonial; or, conversely, if without a just cause they unjustly draw them back, even without force or fraud, from the religious, clerical, or matrimonial state, because it especially falls to parents to take counsel for the spiritual good of their children. Hence, if a son feels himself called by God to the religious or clerical state and perceives that his parents will unjustly impede him, he acts more advisedly by concealing the matter from them and carrying out the divine will. It has been said unjustly, for it would have to be said otherwise if the parents opposed him for a just cause, for example, if they would remain in need, or if otherwise a most noble family would become extinct, as Elbel says (Theol. Mor., P. III, n. 539). In this second case, however, I think the son is not bound on that account to abandon his voca- tion.”—Cfr. H. Busembaum, S. J., Medulla Theol. Mor., l. III, tr. 3, c. 2, dub. 1, n. 4: “A child is bound to support needy parents, to such a degree that, if in grave necessity they cannot be helped otherwise, he is bound to remain in the world (unless, however, in this there would threaten him a certain, or at least very probable, danger to salvation); and if he has entered religious life, he is bound to leave and help his parents, provided that their necessity preceded his profession.”—Ibid., n. 5: “But if the necessity arises after profession and is extreme, he is bound to leave, permission having first been sought (though not obtained). But if it is merely grave, such that they can somehow live, he is not indeed bound, yet he can leave if the superior permits. In which case he is bound, insofar as it does not obstruct his purpose, to wear the habit and observe the essentials of religion; but after help has been given to his parents, he is bound to return.” (Tornaci 1876, I, 161).—Cfr. St. Thomas, S. Th., 2a 2ae, qu. 101, a. 4; Gury, Comp. Theol. Mor., I, n. 377; Lehmkuhl, Theol. Mor., I, nn. 946–948.

The duty of obedience ceases to bind, lastly, when a child marries, becomes of age or enters a religious order or congregation. Children who continue to dwell under the parental roof after they have attained their majority, remain subject to parental authority, and this includes sons who are in clerical orders, but have no benefice and are supported wholly or in part by the family.

If a conflict arises between the demands of the parents and those of the children, the presumption is in favor of the parents because they are supposed to have a riper judgment, and it is, generally speaking, not wise to support children who resist their parents. On the other hand it cannot be denied that parents are sometimes unreasonable in the demands they make upon their children. In the same Epistle in which he inculcates the duty of filial obedience St. Paul says: “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger.”¹⁶ Parents should always remember that they rear their children not for themselves, but for society, and they must not refuse to make the sacrifices demanded of them on this account. They may not hinder their children from choosing a vocation or establishing a family of their own, merely because they themselves would have to live less comfortably in consequence.

¹⁶ Eph. VI, 4.

The children, on the other hand, must remember that they should not take any important step in life without the consent and blessing of their parents and that if they do so without a just cause, they forfeit an important condition of happiness. Parents have a right to be consulted in regard to their children’s choice of a vocation, and often, when the children are moved by passion or restiveness, the will of the parents represents the counsel of mature wisdom. It may justly be assumed that the son or daughter who marries with due regard to the wishes of his or her parents will be better off than he or she who parts from them in anger and contracts a marriage which they disapprove.

584. 1. As regards its duration. Children must render obedience to their parents for as long as they live under paternal power. But as soon as they have attained majority or have been emancipated, they are now sui iuris and are no longer bound to obey.

A son is ordinarily considered of age, or a major, upon completing his twenty-first year; but he can be emancipated before that time according to the diverse modern civil laws, as was said above, n. 26ff., in the tract on justice. If a son who is of age or emancipated freely remains in his father's house, he is not exempted from the obligation of obeying. A minor son cannot lawfully, against the wishes of his parents, seek his livelihood or live outside his father's house, unless this has been granted to him by legitimate authority. On the contrary, a son who is of age or emancipated can lawfully live outside his father's house, and then he is no longer bound to obey his parents. Nevertheless, a good son always endeavors, according to his ability, to comply with the will of his parents. Although the obligation of obedience sometimes ceases, the obligation of love and reverence toward parents never ceases and is equally incumbent upon children who are of age and those who are minors.