Chapter LXXIX: Behavior During Courtship

NOW let us suppose an acquaintance has been formed and has gone so far that the subject of marriage is seriously thought of, it becomes a question of grave importance what kind of conduct one ought to observe.

Visits are frequently received, and it is easy to perceive that an interest in one another has been awakened. The young man says to himself: “That is a fine young woman; I like her much, and perhaps I could not do better than to ask her for a wife.” And the young woman says: “If he should propose, I am not sure it would not be the best thing I could do to accept him, as he really seems very amiable and suitable.”

That is all very well; but the devil will try and take his advantage, and mix up with what is holy and good his suggestions of evil. You are frequently in each other’s company. It would be better if some one were present at the same time. And when young women can so arrange it, they ought to strive to have some discreet companion in the room.

For example, one living at home should prefer that her parents, if they are good, should be present, or a brother or sister, as it shuts the door on all danger of undue familiarity, and of many temptations which would creep in.

If away from home and other girls are in the house, it would be as well that they should be present during these visits.

But it will often happen that there is no suitable person who can be present, and you must receive these visits alone; be careful that the most exact modesty and propriety is observed.

Now is the time when you have need to recommend yourself frequently to God, with a sincere and entire intention to maintain perfect purity in thought and word and deed. There is danger that evil thoughts will insinuate themselves in your heart, but be more ready now to drive them out at once than ever before.

Fly to God immediately, and say: “My God, my God, preserve me. I desire with my whole heart to remain in Thy love, and by Thy grace I am determined that I will.”

It would seem to the world impossible to maintain purity at such a time; but it is not impossible, indeed it is easy if you really desire to love God and are constant to beg his grace. Just as it was easy for God to shut the lion’s mouth when Daniel was cast into their den, so that they could do him no harm, while he remained there with as much peace and tranquillity of soul as if in his own retired chamber.

It will be half the battle, as they say, if you are determined at the very outset to keep clear of every sin, and this determination will prepare you for every temptation that you may encounter.

If the young man is truly and sincerely pious, and has sentiments of the same kind, there will not be much difficulty. You have need of prayer and watchfulness, of course, as the devil is always on the lookout to ruin even the best and holiest souls; but with these, I may say, there is no danger.

Do not allow visits, however, to be protracted to a late hour of the night. When the family retire to rest, let that be the signal for you also to do the same. Say at once, It is time to close this evening’s visit, and to shut up the house. This may be done in a playful, cheerful manner, that will give no offence, and will cut off at once a world of difficulty. If the family keep very late hours themselves, then appoint a reasonable hour of your own, and when it arrives say in the same way, that it is time to retire, and bid good-night. Or say, that it is a rule with you not to allow a visit later than such an hour, for you need the time, in justice to God and to your employer. To sit up late defrauds God of his prayer, and renders you unfit for your duty the next day. This late visiting has been the devil’s means of ruining thousands on thousands of well-disposed, good young women. The slightest reflection will cause you to see the evil of it yourself.

Now, let us suppose the young man who visits you is not one of a thousand, so pious and well-disposed, but less impressed with the idea of keeping a good and pure conscience, following passion sometimes, even though grievously offending God. Now what may very likely happen?

In the course of conversation some words of double meaning, some insinuations which are not exactly proper, covered up, it may be, under the idea of marriage, or under the cloak of affection. How does it become you to meet them? With great prudence.

If very slight, treat them as if you were entirely unconscious of them, and speak of something else, that you may show that you feel above taking any sort of notice of such things.

If the things said are too plain to be passed by, show yourself offended at once; say you are surprised at such talk, and never wish it to be repeated again.

By a decided conduct you may, once and for all, put a stop to everything of the sort, and make him see the evil of his conduct. Even a very bold and bad man is cowed down and made ashamed by a woman of real, heartfelt modesty.

Alas! many young women do not act with this reserve. Some improper remark is made, and they laugh and show themselves pleased, perhaps make an equally improper reply, and the matter goes on now without much regard for God or care for sin. The heart is infected, and though prudence and fear of shame may restrain from certain shameful crimes, grievous sins are committed without number, the purity of the soul is gone, and the flame of hell is lighted up, which must be quenched by a bitter repentance, if ever quenched at all. Kissing and immodest freedom follow unchaste words, and in many cases ruin and disgrace and crime of the deepest character follow along after that. No one can tell what may be the final result of such a beginning.