Chapter LXXX: Continuation

BUT, says some one: “A young man came to see me and kissed me, and used some familiarity toward me — it was not very bad.” Why did you permit it? “I like him very well, and did not wish to offend him.” Has it occasioned you any wilful evil thoughts? “I don’t know exactly; I think not.”

What a deadness of conscience here is! If such things have repeatedly happened, as is often the case, we may be quite sure there is sin, and abundance of wilful evil thoughts. The devil has deceived such a one. I am quite sure there cannot be a real peace of conscience under such circumstances. You may cry, “Peace! peace!” to yourself, “but there is no peace.”

“But the young man whom I love will be displeased if I stop such familiarities: he will leave off visiting me, and I shall lose my opportunity of marrying one that I like.”

Do not be so certain of that. No matter how vicious a man may be, he does not like to have an immodest woman for a wife. A man courts a young woman with the idea of marrying her; as the acquaintance goes on he begins to love her — now he has an idea it is a great thing to steal a kiss, as he says. He attempts with some roughness and freedom, and finds a lack of Womanly modesty in the way it is received; that she is as willing to be kissed as he is to steal the kiss. Now, what is the result. He says: “By George! that girl is a little bit too free to please me. It is agreeable enough to go see her, to amuse myself and pass away the time, but I rather think I will look elsewhere for a wife. I want my wife to be of another sort.” Some have even gone so far that they have determined to do their utmost to tempt and try any one they had an idea of marrying, being willing enough to commit sin, but determined never to marry any one who was not virtuous enough to resist their wicked attempts.

But suppose the time of courtship has been spent in this sinful way, and yet all goes on and marriage takes place; what then? The foundation of a jealous and unhappy married life has been laid during this courtship to bring forth its bitter fruits.

The wife may be quite innocent, but the husband is suspicious. “Oh! I know,” he says, “how she behaved when I was courting her; if she could sin so easily then, why not now? I have not that confidence I should have had had she showed herself more discreet and prudent at that time.”

This suspicion may arise from anything really immodest, though it may not have gone very far, for the virtue of a woman is of such a nature that but little confidence is placed in it when circumstances show that immodesty has taken possession of the heart.

Do not say, then: “The young man I love will desert me if I put a stop to these familiarities.” He will do no such thing, if he be a young man worth having, but, on the contrary, he will conceive a great respect and esteem for you. Your conduct, if such as it ought to be, will cause him to be determined to secure such a prize as he esteems you to be for his own; for all true real love must be founded on respect and esteem.

But if on your rebuke, given in a decided way, though mildly at first, he leaves you, say: “Good riddance! You are no great loss.” Thank God for delivering you from being bound for life to such an unsuitable companion.

Say then, when an improper familiarity is attempted: “Hands off; never dare lay a finger on me again”; “You have entirely mistaken the person,” or some such thing. Show that you are offended; if the offence is more gross, leave the room, and let no doubt remain on his mind that you are deeply offended.

A wise and prudent girl may forgive such an offence once if she sees sincere regret for it, but not when it has been repeated. If, after sufficient warning, the same conduct is repeated, break off the acquaintance.

When such things are allowed to go on, what is the consequence? Sin and crime; shame and disgrace. The poor girl is deceived, and, finally, left ruined and heart-broken, deserted by her false lover, to bewail the consequences of her own folly.

Another great abuse which happens sometimes is that of taking evening walks. Instead of sitting down to talk, the affair is carried on walking in the streets. And opportunity enough the devil has to put forward his temptations. It is improper. Very rarely, and unless you have confidence in the person, allow yourself to be accompanied even from one house to another; but avoid all wandering around for the sake of conversation, if you would not expose yourself to the greatest danger.

What I have said in regard to this perfect propriety and modesty during courtship applies to every day and every hour of it, from its beginning until the marriage takes place. Some are so stupid as to think that as soon as they have given their troth to another they can behave with less propriety. They say: “We are to be married so soon there is no need to be so particular.” That is not true. The obligation to entire purity in thought, word, and deed is as strong as ever, and God is as much offended by your violating it as if you had made no such engagement.

And when you are engaged to marry, the marriage should not be too long deferred. Long courtships are a great temptation, and give rise very often to sin which would have been avoided had they been shorter. Why put off the marriage when you have determined upon it? It is giving room to the devil to practise all his arts, either to break up the engagement or to lead you into sin. There may be reason for a certain delay; but, as a general thing, it is better to marry, notwithstanding some inconvenience, than to defer it.

Your happiness in the married state depends in a great measure on the way you conduct yourself during the courtship. You expect to receive a sacrament. You ought then to prepare for it. Holy and pure motives ought to govern you, and pure and holy conduct precede it. How can you expect God’s blessing on the marriage when you have been provoking his anger by a long course of sin.

Those who do prepare well, who watch over their conduct carefully, that it may be pleasing to God in all respects, during their courtship, receive a great blessing. They have disposed themselves for grace, and in the sacrament they receive a great grace, to live happily, to love one another truly and sincerely, and to be a help to one another to secure at last the happiness of the saints in Heaven.

Bear these things in mind, and make up your minds that you will be among those who draw down an abundant grace from Heaven, rather than of the number who foolishly and thoughtlessly rush into this holy state without preparation, without prayer, and without any proper idea of its immense importance to their whole happiness for this world and for the world to come.