II: Father

AN army is for the most part what its general — is. Troops are very much the same everywhere. It is the general that makes the difference. The same troops under different generals will be victors or vanquished. It is so in business. How often do we see a losing concern put on its feet by a new head! The father is the head of the family. On him depends in great measure the happiness of the home. He is the general of the little fireside army, and on his policy will depend the success or failure of those committed to his charge.

We know how careful railroads are to have good engineers. If the engineer is not dependable, the good road-bed and costly cars matter little. A careless engineer can wreck the best train on the best road. A good engineer can guide his train safely over the most dangerous route. What the engineer is to the train, the father is to the family. Of course a train needs a good deal more than an engineer, but the engineer is the guiding hand; the safety and welfare of the passengers depend upon him.

It is the joint influence of a good father and mother that makes the ideal Christian family. The influence of a mother is gradual and gentle. Her sweetness and tenderness soften the most hardened dispositions. Her sacrifices inspire love and loyalty. But something more than this is required in the rearing of a family.

Children up to a certain age take the love and sacrifice of parents for granted. They are so accustomed to the affectionate care of father and mother that it is only later in life that they realize how much they owe them. Up to a certain period, children are little animals. They need a firm hand. That is where the father is necessary.

I say a firm hand. I do not mean a hard hand. Firmness is consistent with the greatest kindness and consideration. Indeed, it is only kindness and consideration that can make a man truly firm. Firmness without kindness is cruelty or stubbornness. Firmness presupposes a considerate view of a situation, and the determination to act for the true welfare of those concerned. It does not degenerate into weakness or stubbornness. It knows how to insist, and how to relax, when it is advisable.

In order to be practical, I shall point out just what I mean by this kind firmness, which is a most essential quality in the right type of father.

First of all, children must know that if father says a thing, he means it. Children are very observant. They soon decide whether or not they may take liberties with father. I have seen a big, powerful man lay down the law to his child, who would listen and then act regardless of what was said. Why? The child knew from experience that it could do so.

Another father will talk to his child in a quiet way, and the child will no more think of going against orders than of putting its hand in the fire. He knows from experience that the father means what he says.

A threat may serve the purpose once, but if it is not carried out it will have no meaning the second and subsequent times. The threatening or loud attitude means nothing to a child. What counts is authority. If the father tells his child to do something, he must see that it is done. Once children see that an order is meant, they will respect it. But if a command turns out to be a suggestion or an appeal or an expectation, it should occasion no surprise if the child acts accordingly. An order is an order. Either the parent has something worth while to say to his child when he gives instructions, or he has not. If not, he had better remain silent. But if a command is given, let it be a command, and respected as such.

Of course some fathers are incapable of making themselves and their wishes respected. The more is the pity. But if you analyze the success or failure of a father’s authority, you will find that it depends upon his possession of firmness joined with kindness. Firmness may be cultivated as well as any other quality.

I beg of fathers of families to be firm concerning a command, once it is given. But before telling the child that he must do this or refrain from doing that, the father is bound to consider whether such orders are just and expedient. He must make sure that his orders are practicable and beneficial and then see to it that they are carried out.

Many fathers give orders first, and think of their advisability afterwards. Of course, one who does that cannot be firm, and his authority goes. A father should never give an order the fulfillment of which he does not think it worth while to insist on. If the child’s training begins in the right way, he will never think of disobeying.

In minor matters, a child may be thoughtless, or so interested in something or other, that he may forget or disobey instructions. A wise father will know how to make allowances. Firmness must be considerate. But once a line is drawn in a matter of importance he should never let it be crossed without the child’s regretting it.

In that way, as the child grows up, it will form habits of docility, and later on his parents will not have to complain, as so many do, that they cannot control their children. In nine cases out of ten, when children are blamed for unruliness, it is the parents’ fault. The duty of the father is to see that from its earliest years the child obeys its parents or learns by experience that it is to its disadvantage to disobey.

In dealing with children, it is hard or impossible to give any rule which applies generally. A parent must study his children, for in one family it may be that no two will respond to the same discipline. Children are as different in character as they are in appearance.

Some children respond to kindness only. Such should never be harshly dealt with. It tends to make them stubborn. They will do anything for love, but little or nothing for fear. Such children are a blessing, but the parents must cultivate this fine quality in them. The less a child has of it, the more the father should endeavor to develop it in him.

Other children respond best to what I may call expediency. They are clever and calculating, and if they find it does not pay to disobey, they will not do it. Such children are best managed by words of encouragement and little kindnesses, and even, at times, rewards for well doing. But they should never be led to believe that they are to be good only for a consideration.

There is a third class which, from an excess of animal spirits, seems to mind neither kindness nor advantage, and respects no law or order except it be enforced by a strong hand. These children are ordinarily very good at heart, but in their superabundance of vitality they tend to be a law to themselves. Here is where the father’s authority is necessary. His word must be law. And a peculiar thing about children of this kind is that under firmness they are happier as well as better.

Moreover they respect and love those who can master them. Children are like men—they hate to submit to others, but when they find someone who is really their master, they admire him. The very happiest children I have ever known are in families where the father is master and head, not only in name but also in reality. A father who gives way to his children loses their respect and frequently their affection. The best loved fathers are those who have shown character in dealing with their children.

By character I do not mean severity. A firm man is rarely severe, but he is as steady as a rock when he once takes a stand. Severity is a mask which a man of true character, or strength, does not have to use. A severe father will often defeat his own purpose.

A firm father will always be moderate and calm, qualities which win admiration and increase love. It is better not to correct or chastise when one is not calm, for correction given in anger ordinarily does more harm than good. Power, character, and firmness are shown by control. Reserve force has a wonderful effect on children as on men. A dignified reserve will do more in dealing with children than the greatest show of anger and passion. If a father means what he says, and carries out what he says, he will seldom have to resort to stern measures.

Of course things are different for the father who has already forfeited the respect and obedience of his children by his intemperate dealings with them, but you fathers whose children are young, start, I beg of you, from the beginning, and bring your little ones up to respect your authority. Then, when they arrive at the estate of youth, you will not have to complain that they are unmanageable and disrespectful.

The very best way, however, for a father to win the respect and obedience of his children is by his own example. There are two virtues which will make a father an inspiration and an ideal to his children—regard for his religion, and respect for the mother of his children. If a man does not obey his Church, which commands him to go to Mass on Sundays and to receive the Sacraments duly, he should not be surprised if his children fail to respect and obey him. Moreover, if his children see that he neglects his Church, they will soon follow his example. That means that the best influence of life is taken from them. Even with the aids of religion, the path of youth is full of dangers. Without religion, it is one continuous pitfall. Every father knows that. The religious young man and woman have a protection and assistance in the journey of life which those without religion can never have. By fidelity to his religion the father will equip his dear ones with the God-given armour which it affords. I need not remind the father that he will have to render to God an account of the example he has been to his children in regard to religious observance.

Next to religion, the best way to inspire love and obedience in children is by the father’s regard for their mother. Mark it well, a father will never receive any more respect from his children than he pays to their mother. Even if she has shortcomings, it is his duty to shield her. In that way, whatever her defects, they will become less. If instead of being kind and considerate to her, of shielding and helping her, the father breaks out in abuse, she will become worse, and the children will lose respect for both father and mother.

His religion and the mother of his children are paramount in a man’s life. Fidelity to them will do more for the welfare of the children than all else besides. The dignity of a father of a family is great; so also is his responsibility. Fidelity to his religion will enable him to discharge that responsibility properly, and consideration for the mother of his children will teach them consideration for their father as well as for her.

Many a home, instead of being a paradise is a hell—usually because the father makes it so by his inconsiderate ways towards the mother. If the children see constant bickering and abuse, they fall into the same way; but where they observe a kindly and considerate manner in their parents, they quickly adopt kindness and consideration toward mother and father and among themselves. As for the value of this advice, remember, it is never too late to mend.

A good father may have his difficulties in bringing up a family, but he will also have his substantial joys. What is comparable to the good father who has the love and respect of his children? What a pleasure it is to toil and plan for those little ones of his own flesh and blood whom God has given him to rear, not only for this life, but for the everlasting kingdom. In their tender years he is their guide and support; in his old age, they will be his comfort. The day will come, if he live long enough, when he will depend upon their tender care and affection. What better way to deserve their love in his fading years than to win it as a good father while they are growing up.

It is not the indulgent father that is loved most. The greatest affection of sons and daughters goes out to the father who was a man in very deed, a man who worked for their welfare regardless of their whims and caprices. Weakling fathers who prefer passing peace to the lasting good of their children gain neither their love nor their respect.

God’s way is the best way. And God made the father to be the head of the family. The head is not directed by the members, but guides and directs them. What the head is to the body, God intends the father to be to the family. The mother is the heart of the family. Head and heart in mutual accord constitute the well-being of the home.

Fathers of families, if you would have obedient and loving children, love and obey your Father in heaven and reverence the mother of your children! Even the father who does his full duty to God and towards the mother of his children will find many difficulties, embarrassments and disappointments in the rearing of his family. But he will have the assurance that these untoward happenings have not occurred because he failed to do his duty.

If a man does his best, he can bear with calm mind the vicissitudes of family life, but if he feels in his heart that he has neglected his duty, the mishaps will become almost unbearable. He will realize that the wayward son or daughter was made so by his unfatherly conduct. It is bad enough to have a bad son or daughter, but much worse to have been a bad father.

On the other hand, what a constant comfort to the father to reflect that the little ones whom God has given him were started right in life, by his example and direction. It is worth all the toil and worry that a good father experiences, to realize that his life has had a noble purpose, and has put those dear to him in the right way to achieve in their turn a noble purpose in life.

Nor is this all. A good father will stand with his hands full before the judgment seat of God. He will hear from the Father of us all words which will repay him for the efforts and sacrifices he has made, and he will rejoice forever that he manfully did his duty. If you would be a happy father in eternity, be a good father now.