IV: Husband

THE closest association of life is that of husband and wife. The period of courtship is a wise provision which affords time and means for young people to make sure that they are keeping company with the one who will make a suitable companion for life. One reason why there are unhappy marriages is that courtship is looked upon by many as a time of amusement only.

Oftentimes a man marries a girl without knowing her real self at all. Of course I understand that the best and most careful and wisest of men are occasionally mistaken in women. Even with due time and observation, the most prudent man may choose the wrong woman for his wife. But some men rush into matrimony without any regard for its life-long and intimate nature. Then they wonder that marriage is not what they expected it to be.

I am talking now to the husband, the man already married. I can only hope to advise him on a few matters which may enable him to be a happier husband if he is already happy, and a contented husband if he is not so now.

The shortest and best advice I can given is that he regard his wife with the very same care and consideration that he has for himself. If he does that, I promise him he will have a happy married life.

The main reason why a marriage turns out badly is that the man proceeds to live for himself, instead of for his wife and himself. The selfishness of the man is the most common cause of marriage blight. Selfishness never pays, least of all in marriage. It is because the Church of God knows human nature so well, its selfishness and fickleness, that it throws around matrimony so many safeguards.

A young man after marriage sees his sweetheart every day. She may not have the same opportunity of adorning herself that she had before. He sees her as she is ordinarily, and she sees him in the same way. It is a maxim that the commonplace does not affect us. Husband and wife tend to become commonplace to each other.

Unless a man has married a girl for herself, for her character and disposition, as well as for her looks, he will find marriage quite different from what he anticipated. As he gets to know his wife more and more intimately, he may find in her, as she may find in him, not a few undesirable traits. Also, he may find that she has many good qualities which he never suspected.

The first year of marriage is therefore the critical period. It is the time of adjustment. If the husband conducts himself wisely and patiently during early married life, he is laying the foundation of years of happiness. Just as a wife must overlook many things in her husband, so must he make allowance for much in her. This mutual consideration is the basis of contentment in married life.

A man cannot utterly change his nature— neither can a woman. Instead of quarreling over the impossible, they should endeavor to amalgamate. If the husband makes it his main purpose in life to live for his wife and to please her, the chances are that she will make it her sole aim to live for his peace and welfare.

Time and again when I have been asked by newly married people for a word of advice, I have called the man aside and told him to live no longer for himself, but for his wife. And in the same way I have told her to live no longer for herself, but for him. In that way both are really living for themselves.

There is no partnership so important as marriage. How careful business people are to consult the interests of the firm! If one partner finds that something gives him pleasure but hurts the business, he refrains from the pleasure. There is more at stake in the marriage association than in any business partnership. If husband or wife starts out to consider self only, it should occasion no surprise if that marriage turns out a failure.

The husband is no longer a separate unit. Everything he does has an effect on his life’s partner. Before doing anything or planning anything of importance he should consider how it is going to affect not merely himself, but his wife also. If in doubt, let him consult her. Even if she always concurs with him it is well to advise with her, as she will appreciate the compliment he is paying her by thus conferring with her.

The early period of marriage is critical for another reason. Until a marriage is blessed with a child, the wife’s position is very difficult. The new home is lonely all day. She feels the loss of her old home associations during the long hours when her husband is away. He has his business occupations and cares. She has little as yet in her new home to fill the time she spends waiting for his return.

No matter how tired he may be after his day’s work, a wise husband will never be too fatigued to greet his wife warmly on returning home, and to do everything to make the evening a recompense for her long day of waiting. If she wants to go out, he will not offer an excuse for staying in. While courting her he did not put off calling on her for any slight reason. A husband can do at least as much for his wife as he did for the girl he was engaged to.

Some men make the dreadful mistake of thinking that a woman changes her nature when she becomes a wife. She wants attention and love then just as much, and more perhaps, than she did before. Wise is the man who realizes this and acts on it.

The downright neglect which some men show their wives after marriage is appalling. Nothing contributes so much to turning marriage into a mockery. Love, like everything else, needs nourishment. You can starve the strongest love to death by indifference and neglect. A wife’s love is the greatest fortune a man can possess. It is worth every effort made for it. What shall we say of the man who risks the loss of that treasure by overlooking any, even the slightest of the things which help to preserve and increase it.

I know only too well that some husbands have a hard time of it. The more they do for their wives the more they want them to do, and in spite of all they are never satisfied. Some wives never seem to appreciate what is done for them, nor what burdens may weigh down a man’s soul in his battle with the world of business. To avoid marriage with such a wife the best precaution lies in considering during courtship not merely the girl’s looks, but herself. But if a man has made a mistake he must abide by it. Remember the marriage vow: for better or for worse. Even so, the best way for a man to make the worse better is to study his wife and her disposition, and endeavor to do all in his power to be agreeable to her. Sometimes, even then, a man finds it impossible to live congenially with his wife, which goes to show how careful he should be before marriage.

However, a Catholic man always has a remedy where other men have none. His religion comes to his aid. Of course I mean his religion, if it is practical. If it is only nominal, it can serve no purpose. Let the practical Catholic make certain that he is marrying a practical Catholic and religion will furnish a thousand aids altogether unknown to those outside its influence.

Occasionally married couples, both Catholics, have their difficulties and estrangements, but in such cases it is frequently found that one or both are nominal or sentimental Catholics. Practical Catholics know that they must be patient and forgiving and considerate and they try sincerely to be such. When both man and wife are patient and forgiving and considerate there will be no estrangement of consequence. Temperamental differences and difficulties may arise but temperament will bow to religion of the true kind.

The man is the stronger by nature, and must be ready to support the weakness of his wife. Women are by nature more sensitive than men. They are so delicately and exquisitely constituted that the least thing may, at times, upset them beyond all measure. Manly patience is the virtue to be practised on such occasions. A man should try not to lose his temper when his wife becomes excited. If he remains calm, she too will become calm sooner or later; sometimes, alas, later. But the husband’s duty is patience. What hers is, I shall say in my talk with her. Just now I am advising the husband, and I say that in proportion as his wife seems unreasonable, he must be calm and tactful. In the end he will be glad. Very often a wife flares up just because she has her husband’s welfare so much at heart. She is so concerned for his good that she cannot restrain herself. He should not overlook that.

Again a wife’s home cares place her under high tension. Under that strain the least thing may cause her to break out. Her husband must be as oil on the troubled waters. In business a man will put up with a good deal for the sake of patronage. It pays. It more than pays to be very considerate with one’s wife.

If at any time there is a difference of opinion on any point, such, for example, as the expenditure of money, a quiet talk will disclose the wife’s side of the matter and perhaps adjust matters. A husband worthy of the name will not start to condemn and abuse before he has considered the question from all sides. Often a little review of the situation will not only alter his opinion, but save useless and detrimental wrangling.

Wherever possible, dissension should be avoided. Instead of disputing, it is well to confer. Talking a thing over as if seeking information will banish many dissensions. A husband should not expect his wife to make all the concessions. Let him meet her at least half way. Often, when he has given in to her, she will reverse the decision and yield entirely to him. At all events, dissension should be avoided as a serpent, for like a serpent, it will work its deadly way into marriage and poison family happiness. Dissension costs too much to indulge in it. It produces most frequently the disruption of the bond of affection. between man and wife, and when that is broken there is little left of marriage.

Dissension usually has its beginning in some indication of disregard shown by the husband for his wife. It may have been the omission of some little token of love, the forgetting of some sign of affection towards her. A wife is keen to feel any diminution of her husband’s love, and even the slightest sign of its lessening will pain and embitter her.

Of course she cannot expect matrimony to be a perpetual honeymoon. She understands that during the honeymoon the ardent passion of love reaches its climax, and that a climax is not perpetual. But the subsiding of love’s climax does not mean the passing of love.

Most married people find love growing stronger and stronger with years—not its passion which characterized their first “love making,” but a calm, peaceful, satisfying and comforting love which makes their hearts beat in unison and makes each live for the other. This love is far more valuable than the violent emotion, and its possession and maintenance depend in great measure on the husband.

If a man does not cherish his wife, if his first thoughts are not for her welfare, if he does not manifest those little signs of consideration and regard which will show her that his heart is hers, he does not deserve this abiding and consoling love. Love must not only be planted, it must be cultivated. Of all flowers it is the most beautiful and most delicate. It will last forever if it be carefully guarded and nourished. But if a man does not value and cultivate his wife’s love, it will gradually change into mere toleration or perhaps into positive dislike.

The husband took a good deal of pains to win his wife’s love. Why should he not take as much or more to retain it? Some men think that a wife is like an object which, once obtained, may be used or laid aside as it suits them. Such men come to grief.

Every wife has a natural hunger for the spontaneous affection of her husband and if he fails to give her the love she craves, he is starving not only her but himself as well. It is useless to tell her of his love. He must show it. While courting, he knew the art of love. He cannot say that marriage has made him ignorant of it.

I insist so much on this, my dear men, because I am concerned for your life’s happiness. I know of many families wrecked because the husband assumed that, once married, he could let affection take care of itself. A husband should bear in mind that his wife has left father and mother and home associations for him. He is her all.

If a man says that his love has grown cold, and that he cannot show what he does not feel, it is because he mistakes love for passion, or else because he has neglected to foster the love which he once cherished. Love itself does not die easily, and when he married, he felt that his wife was the most lovable girl in the world. Love made him willing to go through fire and water for her. She is the same girl now. She has not changed, and if his love for her is not what it should be, ordinarily it is because he himself has changed. Of course close and continued association has taken the bloom off in some respects, but the love that made him leave all and give himself forever to his betrothed was too deep and strong to pass away, unless little by little he has caused it to depart.

A man may say that his wife is not the woman he took her to be. And I may ask him if he is altogether the man she took him to be? He may say that, while he courted her, she was quite another person. But is not the object of courtship to enable a man to know the girl’s real self, her disposition and her character?

If a man employed his courtship only to amuse himself, now he must take the consequences. Let him take them like a man, and not complete the ruin of two lives by his selfishness. Even though his wife is not all that he had hoped to find her, let him take her for what she is. He should play the game fair. If he buys a house and it is not everything he expected it to be, he sets to work to make it right. Let him make his marriage right if it is not so. It can be done in most cases, and it will be the best expenditure of effort that any man can make.

Moreover, a Catholic husband must realize that his wife is his wife forever. Religion will enable him to do what he might otherwise find impossible. The Sacrament of Matrimony gives, to the man who lives true to his Faith, the grace to surmount all the obstacles and trials of married life. If he frequents the Sacraments, I promise him that he will receive the grace to live holily and happily in the marriage bond.

This does not mean that at times he will not have differences and difficulties to meet. In one’s own family, where father and mother and brothers and sisters are united in the strongest love and affection, there are occasionally troubles and disagreements. But they pass with the day. It is on these occasions that manhood and religion must guide the husband to do what is proper. An insignificant breach may widen and widen until it is a gulf too wide to bridge over—and all because husband or wife lacks a little consideration for the other.

A husband is a man, and a man can afford to give in to his wife. But if she gets stiff and he gets stout and neither of them will budge, something is bound to happen. If a stone drops from a roof to a stone sidewalk, sparks will fly. But if the stone strikes a grass-plot, it sinks in almost without a sound or sign. A real man can afford to be the grass-plot.

A Catholic husband understands that he can never break the bond of a duly performed marriage. It is to his advantage from the very start so to regulate his attitude towards his wife that, if anything should mar his marriage happiness, it will not be his doing. The home should be his dearest place on earth. His wife’s welfare should take precedence of everything.

Neither club nor cafe nor friends should come between a man and his wife. Too often a breach is made because the husband finds his main pleasure away from the home. If a wife sees that her husband prefers outside interests to her, she will suspect his love. No outside issue can compare with home peace and welfare. Too late, often, a husband finds that in overlooking the home and his wife, he has lost life’s best treasure.

If God blesses the home with a child, its father should consider it as a gift from heaven, given into his keeping to cement the bond of love between him and his wife. He should regard his child as a jewel which he must polish for God’s kingdom.

Parenthood is one of the most sacred of human functions. By it, man and wife coöperate with the Creator for the maintenance of the human race. If they expect God’s blessing on their married life, they should never violate the sacred laws of marriage. Any attempt to prevent the natural consequences of marriage relations will bring down God’s curse on them.

Some parents seek to regulate the number of their children at will. God often punishes them by depriving them of the children He has given them. Others decide to have no children in their early married life because it would tie them down too much to domestic cares. These are often cursed by God, and later when they would give all they possess for a child, God will not give it to them.

There is no greater sin in married life than that of preventing legitimate life. God punished it terribly in His dealings with the chosen people. He punishes it just as terribly now. If a man does not wish to have a family, he should not enter upon that contract designed by God for the perpetuation of the human family. A man is free to marry or not. But if he marries, he is not free to break the laws of nature and of God. How many homes have been made desolate by man’s changing of love into lust!

If God does not see fit to send a child, He blesses a faithful marriage in other ways. But if parents deliberately spurn the child He designs to send them, He exacts an awful penalty. He punishes here and now in ways they little think of, and He will punish them hereafter as He does those who are guilty of taking human life. In God’s sight, race suicide is a perversion of one of His most sacred institutions for mankind.

The number of wrecked marriages due directly or indirectly to this sin is appalling. But I need hardly touch on this matter in speaking to Catholics, since it is a sin hardly known among them, thank God!

In conclusion, let me say once more to the husband, that marriage will be in large measure what he makes it. There are exceptional cases, where the man’s best efforts are in vain. Such is a sad and hard condition of life, and for that man, his one sure means of making the best of the situation, is his Religion.

Recourse to retaliation or dissipation is useless—that merely puts a man lower down in the pit. Patience is the virtue he must practise. Virtue means strength in doing and bearing. Let him show strength in carrying his burden and he will be amazed to see how light it becomes when it is carried in the spirit of faith.

Sometimes an unfortunate situation must be met in a strong way. It may be necessary for a husband to put his foot down firmly. His wife may try his very soul. She may cross him at every turn. In such cases, it may be necessary for him to read the “Taming of the Shrew,” but he must not forget that he is a Catholic husband, and if he must take strong measures he should do so in a just way.

Unless a marriage has been altogether unfortunate, a man will find that the observance of the many little kindly things which he found so easy to do while courting, will help make his married life a happy one. If he makes his wife his first and chief consideration, he will not have to worry about the rest, ordinarily.

Sometimes for reasons of His own, but always for our eternal welfare, God allows us to be afflicted. With some, the affliction may be poverty or illness or the loss of dear ones. With others, it may be an unsuitable wife. Patience solves many difficulties. And patience is the virtue a husband must practise if, after doing his part fully, his wife fails to correspond.

By patience a husband will not only lessen the evils of an unsatisfactory marriage, but also work out his eternal salvation in a most meritorious way. There is much good deep down in the heart of the most cantankerous woman. By patience, a husband may bring out the good that is in his wife, and thus, even in this life, receive the reward of virtue.

I trust that the husbands whom I am addressing are blessed with good wives and that they value the blessing so highly that they are doing everything in their power to perpetuate it. By frequenting the Sacraments, husband and wife together, they draw God’s blessing on them. Fidelity to the Faith, more than anything else, will make man and wife faithful to each other here, and secure for them eternal blessedness hereafter.