V: Wife

MOST plays and stories end with marriage. Some women fancy that when they get married they have achieved their great purpose in life. But marriage is only the beginning of a new and more important chapter in the book of life.

Some women fail to realize that it is easier to win a man’s love than to retain it. They believe that love is something which, once possessed, is theirs for good—a great mistake, as they sometimes find out too late. A woman of great worldly experience once told me that she found it much harder to hold her husband’s love after marriage than it had been to win it before. And this was a woman of such great charm that her hand had been sought by several desirable men.

Of course true love is never-ending. Where love is based on true mutual affection and regard, it increases with time. But nowadays love is so frequently based on superficial qualities, that we frequently see man and wife after a short time, living as though they barely tolerated each other.

Moreover man’s heart is fickle. He may mean every word of love that he vows to his betrothed, at the time. But under constant and close association he loses the idealism of his former devotion, and permits himself to look upon his wife as an ordinary mortal. This is the critical period of marriage.

If the wife at this juncture takes the same pains to please her husband that she did to please her fiancé, his affection for her will mature into a strong and constant love, which will last as long as life. I have seen middle-aged, and old married people every bit as devoted to each other as young lovers. Years of close association, marked by mutual regard and consideration, had augmented their first affection and bound them together with ties of deepest love and sympathy.

I have known other couples who had gone through fire and water in order to marry and who after a few years had nothing in common. Their love was apparently dead. More than once the reason was the selfishness of one or both. It may happen that a young wife thinks only of herself, which invariably leads to marriage failure.

Selfishness in matrimony is fatal. A wife should always remember that her husband’s interests are hers and that her greatest interest is her husband.

During the period of courtship a girl is very careful to appear at her best. Without being finical or negligent of the home, why should she not try to show herself at her best as a wife? I am not thinking of wealthy people whose houses are full of maids to do the work, but of ordinary wives who are their own maids and everything else. Such a wife has the house to look after, the meals to prepare, the marketing to do. But does that justify her in greeting her husband, on his return from a hard day’s work, in soiled clothes and unkempt?

Some wives think that their husbands are indifferent to appearances after marriage. They think that it makes little or no difference whether they look neat or untidy. It makes all the difference in the world. Even a tired woman can afford the small cost in time and effort to appear attractive and bright on her husband’s return from work. She has as great a need to be attractive now as when her fiancé was courting her. The attractiveness of the home he comes to, and of his wife, its best ornament, will stimulate his love for home and wife.

Here I may say a word on the importance to a wife of being a good housekeeper. Again, I have in mind, of course, the wife in ordinary circumstances, who does her own work. Even for those wives who are wealthy, a first hand knowledge of home duties is a great advantage, while for the wife in ordinary circumstances such knowledge is positively necessary. A woman who does not know how to manage the household and prepare a good table should not get married, ordinarily, until she has learned how to do these things. In some countries abroad a marriage license cannot be issued to a woman who does not present her certificate of housekeeping. Many young women rush from the counter or the typewriter to matrimony, knowing little or nothing about keeping house or cooking. The husband may be satisfied for a while with a makeshift dinner, but unless his wife soon learns how to prepare a proper meal, there will be dissatisfaction and eventually quarrels, and a miserable married life.

I want to impress upon wives, the importance of a tidy house and a good table. If a husband returns in the evening to a careless fireside and an untidy wife, why be surprised if gradually he seeks elsewhere the comfort his home fails to provide?

I once asked a greatly beloved wife how she managed to attach her husband so devotedly to his home.

She replied, “It is just a matter of continuing our courtship.”

“How is that?” I asked.

“This way,” she went on to say. “You see, my husband comes from his office tired and inclined to be on edge. I have the children nicely dressed to give him a welcome; the smaller ones have been put to bed, where they cannot annoy him, and I myself appear at my best. It all takes time and pains, but when I see his smile as he kisses the children, and his love as he embraces me, I feel more than repaid. Then, I do not talk to him too much, for I know he has had that all day. I let him read the paper, and when he has finished and is rested, he begins of his own accord to chat. At that I know he is in the humor for conversation, and we talk on and on.”

“My goodness!” I ejaculated, “it is quite an art, isn’t it?”

“A very pleasant and profitable art,” she replied, as she went on to tell me that she always had her husband’s meals ready on time, and to his liking. What was the result? The happiest family gathering I ever knew. That man rarely cared to go anywhere without his wife. He seldom sought his pleasure outside the home. His wife considered his welfare and comfort, made allowances for his condition of mind and body at the end of the day, and he in turn was always on the lookout for her happiness.

But how many young wives there are who spend the day frivolously, and permit their husbands to come home in the evening, to a disordered house, a badly planned and hastily cooked dinner, and an untidy wife! They are surprised that their husbands do not care for home, and that after a while their expressions of love grow less. Such wives have brought on themselves this sad condition of affairs.

A wife can make no better investment than in an inviting home. The inviting home means a house in order, the meals rightly prepared, and a wife attractively, albeit simply, dressed. I have gone into homes which were enough to drive a man to desperation — everything in disorder. Such a home will have little attraction for a husband’s leisure hours. I have seen a man sit down, after his long day of toil, to a dinner of a few unsubstantial dishes, chosen because they required little or no preparation.

If a husband toils all day for his wife, shall his wife begrudge a few hours toil for him? For usually it is the woman who has spent the day novel-reading, or at the movies, or gossiping, who is too tired to greet her husband with a smile and invite him to a substantial dinner, and when she finds her marriage a disappointment, she fails to see that she has made it so. She blames marriage and her husband for her empty life, whereas she has only herself to blame.

I know of course that some men are not responsive to the care and attention of their wives. Such men are the exception. I am not dealing with the exceptions, but with normal husbands.

Again, some wives pay no attention at all to their own person. Before marriage they took good care to be very presentable when appearing before their fiancés. As wives, they think that anything is good enough for their husbands. The dresses they have worked in during the day (if they have worked), no matter how soiled, are the ones they keep on for their husbands’ homecoming.

Some men may be indifferent to disorder in a room, but I have never met or known a man who was indifferent to an untidy woman. If wives could realize how a neat and clean appearance counts, they would not begrudge the time or pains it takes to make themselves attractive for greeting their husbands. There are husbands so much in love with their wives that they can overlook even slovenliness in their appearance, but such husbands are the exception. As a rule, a man is repelled by slovenliness.

I urge wives to be as particular to appear pleasing to their husbands as they were to their betrothed. By that I do not mean that they should spend foolish time in fine dressing, but in their home, even when they are actually engaged in household work, they can be clean and neatly dressed. A wife knows the time of her husband’s homecoming, and it does not take long to make herself presentable for his greeting.

I have insisted so much on this point of home attractiveness because I have found that the beginning of many a disruption in marriage originated in the neglect of a wife in regard to the home, the meals and herself.

There is, however, something more than material attractiveness. A wife is man’s helpmeet. He looks to her for sympathy and for encouragement. In his battles with the world, he gives and takes like a man. But from his wife, he expects cheerful companionship. A wife has her cares, every wife has, but they are not the heavy material burdens which at times so oppress a man. A good wife remembers her husband’s anxieties and tries not to add her own to his. If the details of business cares are his to solve, the petty items of the household should be hers. Some women start complaining as soon as their husbands open the door, and do not let up until they have gone out again, or, rather, until they have driven them out. Men hate a scold.

It is a wise wife who, if she must put her grievances before her husband, does so after the evening is well spent, after she has given him a good welcome, a good meal, and a good rest. Then he will listen to her and help her. If a husband is not in a mood for complaints, it is worse than useless to make them. To urge a matter under that condition is nagging. If there is anything that human nature cannot stand, it is that.

I do not mean that a husband is to be considered a man in a glass case who must never be approached. No, but there is a time and a way. Some women think that the time is always, and that the way is any way.

The wife who has observed the points I have touched on, will not have many grievances. Most husbands are more desirous of pleasing their wives than they are of being pleased. A husband knows that a good wife is the greatest boon a man can be blessed with. He will not allow anything on his part to weaken the bond of love which unites him to his wife. Too often the matters which wives complain of are the result of their own lack of regard for their wifely duties. They kill affection in their husbands, and then berate them for not loving them.

A man wants affection just as much as a woman does. He left father and mother and home for his wife, and now as a husband he desires to love and to be loved. When his betrothed married him, she considered him the most desirable man in the world. She left all for him. Is it not worth her while, therefore, to pay attention to even the little things which will help to keep that mutual love strong?

Some wives hit back. If the husband overlooks something, they construe it into an intentional slight and become resentful. The husband is often preoccupied and unintentionally omits some of the customary tokens of affection. A wife should make allowances. If she feels that her husband has hurt her purposely, she will do more to make him regret it by patiently enduring it than trying to resent it.

Some homes are armed camps. Husband and wife are constantly on the point of hostilities, if not actually engaged in warring on each other. A wife should remember that she can do more with her husband by love than by all the wiles and arts and weapons at her command. Affection is a wife’s Big Bertha. No man can resist the true love of his wife. At times he may appear to do so, but it is in appearance only.

To conquer a husband, love him. A wife may say she loves her husband while her deeds disprove her words. He looks for deeds. He wants to see her love shown by consideration for him. If he sometimes seems to be unmindful of her affection, opposition is not the means to win him back. I have known wives to make themselves and their husbands wretched and to wreck their homes, by stubborn and selfish opposition. If they feel that they are not being properly appreciated, they proceed to make matters worse by doing all in their power to make things miserable. After a while, they have not only lost their husband’s regard, but have incurred his downright dislike and even hatred.

How many couples have I seen start out as doves, only to become, in a short while, like bears. And why? For one thing—the wife was selfish and stubborn. Such wives are like persons walking in a swamp. The harder they tread, the deeper they sink. And suppose there are children! What a noble example the parents present !

Love cannot be forced. Mark that well. If you cannot win love, you cannot obtain it at all. You cannot drive a man, or a woman, to like you and to yield you the fruits of true love. The harder a wife makes it for her husband, the harder his heart will get toward her.

She may say that, at least she has the satisfaction of paying him back. Not so. She can never exact payment for the loss she inflicts on her womanhood and on her heart by unwifely antagonism. The best way to “pay him back” is to do the full duty of a good wife. That is certain. I am not talking theories.

But I forget that I am talking to Catholic wives. The motives I have set forth so far are those which common sense and experience suggest. The marriage of a Catholic wife is a Sacrament. She took a vow to God to be true to her husband. She took him for better or for worse, as he took her. She is under a sacred obligation to be a help and solace to her husband. She may have her trials and disappointments as a wife. Every career of life has them. Should she shirk her duty, be false to her marriage vow, because things do not suit her?

If you make a government contract, you have to carry it out, even if it does not suit you. If you give your word of honor to another, you will endure everything rather than violate it. In marriage, a woman gives her solemn word to God to be a devoted and faithful wife. Even though a husband is not all that his wife expected, God has her vow and she will have to answer to God Almighty for it. It will not excuse her to say that her husband has failed in his duty. She foresaw that possibility when she took him for better, for worse.

I do not mean to say that if conditions are intolerable there is no remedy. In such cases, consult a priest, and he will advise. But in many cases, the intolerable condition is of the wife’s own making. A little generosity on her part, a little patience, a little consideration, would have saved her from it.

Many wives fail to realize that their husbands may have grievances as well as themselves. They expect all the consideration to be on their husbands’ side. I have had wives come to me to tell me a tale of woe which would have softened granite. I have listened, and from their own statements have been able to point out to them how they were at fault themselves.

Sometimes I have had a woman come to complain of her husband, and her tale was so dreadful that I almost believed her when she said he was a devil. On sending for the husband and hearing his side, however, I concluded that she was the fiend. And yet the woman really felt that she was the aggrieved person.

When a wife gets into that state, it means torture for herself and for her husband. What is the best thing to do in such a case? Let her kneel down and say an earnest prayer to the Blessed Mother for patience. Let her offer up to Our Lord her injured feelings. That is a sacrifice which He will accept. His grace will flow into her soul, and she will find that peace reigns in her heart. When she becomes resigned and peaceful, it will react on her husband and make him peaceful and forbearing and lovable.

The grace of the Sacrament of Matrimony is sufficient to enable a wife to meet all the difficulties of the married state. But she must merit the grace by doing her part. Prayer, patience, the reception of the Holy Eucharist, will enable her to bear cheerfully the hardships of wedlock, and will, moreover, transform a dark prospect into a very cheerful outlook.

You must not think that because I advert to the disagreeable features of marriage that I am disparaging it. Not at all. The good side of marriage is so evident that it needs no eulogy. A good marriage takes care of itself and most marriages are good. A wife who has ideal surroundings needs little advice. I am addressing wives who are not so fortunate.

To such, I say again that religion will prove their best friend when a situation becomes very hard or embarrassing. But if the advice I have given is followed, most of the pitfalls of marriage will be avoided.

If a wife lives mainly for her husband, he will live mainly for her. If she makes him her first concern, he will make her his, also. If she has regard for him in his tired moments when he is apt to be irritable, he will do the same for her. But if she gives tit for tat, she must not expect happiness as a wife.

Although the man is the head of the family, he will be a kindly and helpful head, his wife’s protection and support and joy, if she but exerts her wonderful wifely influence properly. A woman has tremendous power over her husband if she shows herself the right kind of wife. The strongest man is a child under the influence of a loving wife.

If a wife wants to be the head of the family, let her begin by loving her husband and proving her love. Then, although he be the appointed head, she will be the real head and he will be glad to carry out her slightest wishes. But as a woman loves her peace and welfare, let her never try to boss her husband. Few men will take orders from their wives, but they will welcome suggestions and wishes lovingly expressed. A wife should not endeavor to dictate to her husband. Advise him, yes. Influence him, yes. And if she is very desirous of leading him, let her do so by true love. A husband will accept any leadership exercised over him in that way.

In early married life, man and wife will need to adapt themselves to each other. It is easier to accommodate oneself to the ways of another than to change another. I assure the wife that if she studies her husband’s traits and has consideration for them, she is laying up for herself years of happiness. Moreover, she will make the home what it should be for her husband—the dearest place in the world.

But because a wife makes home attractive, she must not expect her husband to drop all his friends and associations. An occasional night at the club or an evening with So-and-so should not be objected to. A wife should try to go out with her husband, if he desires it, even though she must make an effort. The spirit of accommodation will go far to make both happy. Any wifely duty undertaken in the true spirit of faith, will, moreover, draw down God’s blessing on their married life.

Your marriage is going to be almost wholly what you make it. Self-sacrifice, not selfishness, is the keystone of welfare in marriage. Wives who start out to make marriage serve their own personal ends usually come to grief. Let a wife forget herself in her desire to be helpful to her husband, and she will find that her own interests will be well served.

Furthermore, a wife has a special obligation to God. Through her coöperation and sacrifice the Ruler of the World perpetuates the human race. How dreadful for the woman whom He deigns to employ as an instrument in creating a new human being to pervert His measures for giving life, and make them a means of mere lustful indulgence! She shall stand judgment for the violation of one of His most serious commandments.

A Catholic wife, thank God, has too much reverence for God’s law to violate it for the sake of pleasure or of avoiding inconvenience. Race suicide is such a detestable thing in God’s sight that no truly Catholic-wife will be guilty of this dreadful sin.

In other ways, too, the Catholic wife has obligations to God. Her example as a practical Catholic will be a great help in encouraging her husband to live as a good Catholic man. And let me say that there is no surer way of having a husband all that he should be than to aid him to be a practical Catholic. I do not mean that she must preach at him—men hate that—but if he can see for himself the good effects of religion in her life, it will be more effective than many words.

Some wives who are frequent church-goers sometimes persist in running down their neighbors and in letting the home run itself. There is something the matter with their practice of religion if it does not make them better wives and better neighbors. Great harm can be done to religion by women who make a display of piety, and yet give scandal by their acts, to people who have little or no religion.

Let religious practice be sincere. A good test of its sincerity lies in how they act in the home. If a woman is not kind, forgiving, considerate and a good housewife, her religion, I am afraid, is only on the outside. God sees the heart. He wants the Catholic wife to be a solace to her husband, a help to him as he tries to live as a good Catholic, and consequently an aid to his eternal salvation.

Where Faith is practical, it helps to smoothe out the roughness which at times marks every career of life. It will do more than anything else to make a marriage here a prelude to that blessed union which will be the portion of good wives and husbands for all eternity in the Kingdom of God.