Case LXVIII: The Near Occasion with Relation to Company-Keeping

Titius, a young single lad, has intimate relations with Ursula, a young unmarried person. He has repeatedly at night visited and sinned with her. There is no prospect of marriage. He has promised his confessor time and again to cease this sinful attachment. Coming to Confession again he tells Father Lucas, his confessor, that he has not sinned with Ursula since his last Confession, although he has several times visited her in her room at night. He gives positive assurance that no further impropriety will take place and asks may he not associate with the person as with a sister?

^* By I. J. Braun.

Father Lucas inquires: "Did you not have temptations during those nocturnal visits?" Titius: "I did have very strong temptation, but I would not consent!" Father Lucas: "Is there no possibility of your marrying one another?" Titius replies in the negative, and mentions he does at any rate not care to marry. Father Lucas then directs him to give up the acquaintance with that person, it being the near occasion of sin for Titius as well as for Ursula.

Titius after some argument finally agrees to give up the person, but insists that he must visit her just once more at night in order to take leave of her, and also because he has many things to tell her, and that she has articles belonging to him which he wants to recover. Father Lucas asks: "What good reason is there to visit her only at night-time? Why not by day?" Titius: "It would not do by day, because we should get a bad reputation if seen together. Then, too, I can not arrange matters within the few minutes that I could be with her in day-time." Father Lucas then allows this last visit provided Titius gives his word of honor that this shall be the last visit, that he will make it as brief as possible, and that he will take utmost care not to let anything improper happen. Titius promises all this faithfully and parts with the absolution.

Quaeritur. 1. Was Father Lucas obliged to demand that Titius give up his relations with this person?

2. What is to be held in general of courtships and company-keeping? When are they allowed, when forbidden?

3. Was Father Lucas correct to allow to Titius the taking leave of Ursula in her room alone and at night?

Answer, 1. Father Lucas was strictly bound in conscience to forbid to Titius his nocturnal visiting with the person; for what good purpose can there be in a courtship with no prospect of marriage? Even if Titius for a brief period, since his last Confession, has not had improper relations with the person, it is obvious that due to his passionate and sinful affection for the person, he will fall again into sin, and that then the last state will be worse than the first. No one may expose himself voluntarily to the near occasion without necessity or important reasons. The visits at night to the person were in themselves grievously sinful because without necessity and reason.

Courtship and company-keeping can not be condemned at random; young people must have an opportunity to become acquainted before they become linked together for life.

Courtship and company-keeping is, however, permissible only where there is the intention and the possibility of ultimate marriage. Where one or both of these is lacking, such relation must not be tolerated. In other words the one starting or indulging in a courtship must have the will and the ability to marry the courted person.

The so-called company-keeping (amores, procationes) between persons of opposite sex is in itself not immoral, provided that there exists between such amantes a proper and sincere intention, and a not too remote prospect of marrying, and provided further the relation, the vicaria relatio, appears to be free of impropriety, tam peccata carnis, quam occasionem proximam talium peccatorum excludens.

In fact, in case of contemplated marriage, a previous consociation is judicious, and even necessary, because the young people should get knowledge of each other so as to convince themselves that they can respect and love each other. Gopfert in his Moral Theology writes:

"What is to be thought in general of acquaintanceships, continued association, visits, etc., between young persons of opposite sex? It can not be said that they are in themselves grievously sinful, but as a rule they are hardly anything else but the near occasion of grievous sin. Three conditions may be named under which they may be permitted, namely, that they should be begun for a good purpose, that the intercourse must take place within proper bounds, and that the necessary precautions be employed.

1. They must be begun with a good purpose, in other words, with the intention to contract marriage soon, i. e., within a relatively short time, to be determined by reasonable judgment and according to the usage of conscientious persons. Owing to the danger of mixed marriages, inquiries should be made as to whether the other party is of the Catholic faith, and if not the person should be seriously warned against further intercourse and against a marriage promise.

2. Intercourse shall take place only within proper bounds, i. e., not too frequent and not too long visits. A greater frequency may be allowed if the wedding is to take place in a short while, say in a month or two; a lesser, the farther off the wedding seems to be. A greater frequency may be tolerated if the young girl is never left alone with the young man, but always under vigilant care; a lesser, when the young people are usually left alone, or when the girl is not under the care of parents or relatives who watch over her.

3. At these visits the necessary precautions must be taken: The young people must not be in each other's company without the parents' knowledge, and not without their silent or expressed approval; as far as possible not be left alone, and they must fortify themselves against temptation by spiritual means.

Where these three conditions obtain, such relations and courtships are not unlawful, even if a grave danger were present, because they are morally necessary conditions, for to demand that one should marry a comparatively unknown person would be unreasonable, and if one would not admit this reason the confessor would accomplish nothing else than that the young couple would now ex mala fide surely sin. For these reasons such visits may not be forbidden even if the parties fall into sin on account of them. The confessor will in such cases accomplish more, if he seeks by appropriate means to make the occasion a remote one; if he, for instance, advises that they never be left alone, that some one be always present, even if only a little boy or girl; in their presence grievous exterior sins could not (easily) take place; excessive marks of affection will not easily occur; he will counsel them to restrict demonstrations of affection in their frequency, duration and manner. If he does not improve matters then these people may be considered as in occasione proxima moraliter necessaria absente, and relapsing continually into this same sin. It is to be considered which is more promising, to demand that the couple employ other and more effective means or that they omit entirely their visits, marks of affection, etc., and this is to be imposed upon them in Confession.''

Gopfert has gathered in these directions nearly everything of moment that is to be found in the various standard authors about the lawfulness of courtships, etc. Difficult, yet incalculably important for the priest, is the question: When are courtships prohibited:

Let us quote here, first of all, from the writings of Blessed Leonard of Port Maurice, who teaches on this subject: "It seems that much less severity and more indulgence is indicated in the occasions that are not in esse, as: visits to gambling-houses and places of amusement, of gatherings and inns, love affairs, etc., for according to the instructions of St. Charles, if the penitent promises to give them up, and if this promise comes from the heart, one may give absolution at least twice or three times, but only in the supposition that the confessor perceives such promise proceeds from a sincere and contrite heart. If the penitent has often before promised reform and has not amended his conduct then the saintly archbishop instructs that absolution be refused until the near occasion has been avoided.

Among those occasions that are not in esse, there should be placed in the front ranks, in my opinion, the amorous alliances, which in our days are a stumbling-block for the young. Some are unwilling that there should be such an outcry against this unholy love, because they fear to disseminate wickedness where there is none, or that one might represent as a sin that which in reality is not a sin. They claim that the soul is given thus a false conscience and a false shame, and that it will plunge from sin to sin, at last unavoidably into sacrilege. But alas! the delusion of those perhaps unaware of the true license and wickedness of our days.

I do not deny indeed that it may happen to an imprudent confessor who has asked an innocent girl whether she has a love affair and upon her admission, that he has been too strict with her, without first examining as to the nature of her affection. But this is a very rare case, which strictly speaking does not merit so much consideration. That which causes tears to the servant of God is the spectacle, that in our days depravity has burst its barriers, and overflowed in every direction, sweeping away with it the youth of the tenderest age. Alas, they say in sadness, why censure the few at their excess of zeal, and then be silent, even palliating the forbearance of so many others, who blindly absolve all those enamored who in their love affairs commit sins of all kinds?

It would be wrong to conclude that to be in love is always a sin, but it would be still worse to suppose that it is always innocent. If one is to judge relatively, and according to the things which generally happen, it would be regarded as an incontestable proposition that love-making as it exists in these days is mostly a near occasion of sin. Would to God that this view was not proved by long and sad experience!

It is true that now and then the love of young persons is innocent in the beginning, but it turns evil as it progresses. They begin looking upon one another with pleasure, and affection turns gradually into passion, and passion plunges them into the abyss without bottom. Now give me your attention and answer me this question: Are we physicians of the soul? And if so, how can we tolerate such a baneful abuse, which infects the world by so many marriages consummated in darkness, with so many murders, with so much debauchery, with hatred, scandal and crimes of all kinds? For this reason there must be among us a firm determination to knit the sacred bond more firmly than ever, and to be uniform in postponing and even in refusing absolution to those who, found guilty, will not promise 'to give up their frivolous love affairs. In order to discover positively whether love affairs are innocent or sinful, one has only to ask questions and small indeed will be the number of those where no disgraceful circumstance insinuated itself on part of either one or other, which renders such an abominable courtship absolutely unlawful. In order, however, that you may have an example before you, that will render you cautious in questioning as well as firm in refusing absolution, when this be necessary, I will here repeat word for word, what the learned and devout Cardinal Pikus of Mirandola, Bishop of Albano, wrote in a pastoral letter which deserves to be read by every confessor: His words are:

"We exhort all confessors not to absolve those who live in love affairs, if such are grievous and unlawful and if, after a third warning from their confessors, they actually have not reformed. Give them to understand that if they do not amend, they must not expect to be absolved by you, neither can they ask this of any other confessors.

The general cases in which love affairs may be regarded as absolutely unlawful, we now add here briefly, and for good reasons in Latin, so that on this point, as it should be in all others, your proceeding may be uniform.

I. Whenever it is carried on in such a way, even between persons of equal condition and for the sake of marriage, that kisses, touches, embraces, lingering delights, or the danger of falling into any grave sin intervene.

II. When it takes place between those who are of unequal condition, because of scandal and the danger of sinning mortally.

III. If it takes place with those with whom marriage cannot be contracted, such as married persons, cloistered religious, and those constituted in sacred orders, both because such love cannot be made honorable by the end of marriage and because scandal and the danger of falling into mortal faults intervene.

IV. If it takes place in church, both because of irreverence and because of the danger of hearing Mass without due attention, and also because of scandal.

V. If there is a command of the father or mother or guardian reasonably prohibiting such love, because even if the other circumstances are honorable, children of a household and wards are bound in a grave matter, as this undoubtedly is, to obey parents or guardians under pain of mortal sin.

VI. When it is carried on secretly and in concealment, both because the person is exposed to grave dangers and the proximate occasion of sinning gravely, and because when it is so carried on it is regularly done against the will of parents or guardians, whom children and wards ought to obey.

VII. If it takes place at night, because of scandal and the danger of sinning, etc.

VIII. If it takes place under the pretext of honorable recreation and relaxing the mind, because the danger and proximate occasion of falling always press because of the long delay, during which there are conversations, mutual looks, declarations of love, etc.

IX. If it takes place in such a manner that of itself it involves the proximate danger of kisses, touches, etc., even if from another standpoint that love were lawfully practiced because it is between unmarried persons and for the sake of marriage; if, for example, the lover is admitted into the home or comes so near that everyone sees that there is a proximate occasion of touches, etc.

X. If the male or female lover notices that the partner in love is gravely tempted, or that one urges the other by shameful words or in some other way toward dishonorable things, etc., even if the other partner is not tempted at all and feels no inclination to sin; in that case that love will be unlawful for both because of the proximate danger of delight and active scandal in one, and passive scandal in the other, in which charity toward one’s neighbor will be gravely injured.

XI. Finally, speaking universally, whenever because of the love affair the male or female lover frequently falls into some grave evil, then the love takes on the character of a proximate occasion of evil and is altogether unlawful.

All these instances should be well considered and penitents who are dominated by the passions should be carefully questioned, using due precaution; then I should like to ask whether the above-mentioned proposition is not incontestable, namely, that the love affairs in our day are, for the greater part, the near occasion of sin. And if this is so, how should not that penitent be warned who has been frequently exhorted and yet will not amend; who perhaps even quarrels with the confessor and expects to compel absolution from him?

I summon before God's tribunal all those confessors who seek renown from dangerous complaisance by absolving all without reflection! They are the ruin of youth, indeed, of the world, for a badly brought-up youth is the formation of all evils and of all family disorders." (Instructions for Confessors by L. of P. Maurizio.)

Any one with experience in the confessional knows how true and important these words of Blessed Leonard are for every confessor.

Gopfert in the book quoted above, writes briefly and admirably about this kind of love affairs as follows: When the parties in question do not intend marriage, or if they, on account of circumstances, will never be able to get married, or if only after a long time (this must be left to the prudent judgment of the confessor), then the keeping of such company is occasio proxima voluntaria absens (non in esse~) and if the parties have been warned a few times by their confessors, without result, then they are not to be absolved until they obey. This is to be enforced so much more strictly if they have been sinning grievously one with another, or if their conduct has given scandal. In this regard the parents, too, especially the mothers, should be earnestly exhorted in Confession, so that they will not permit their daughters to be absent from the house at evening and night, to associate with young fellows, in which case sin is often not far off. This strict proceeding is all the more necessary if such acquaintances were already begun with no good intentions. It is sinful to accept presents, given with the purpose to start an illicit love affair, even if the recipient fosters no wrong intention, unless explicit protest is made against any bad purpose, for by accepting the present an impure hope is created in the giver, which imperils the receiver. Indeed, such persons should be induced, in order to avoid all danger for the future, either to return the presents thus received, to destroy them, or to distribute them among the poor (Reuter, Neoconf. n. 113; Lehmkuhl I. 645; S. Alf. I. 6 n. 854).

Ad 2. (After the above discussion the solving of the second question is not difficult.) Was Father Lucas correct in allowing Titius to go and take leave of Ursula, in her room alone and at night? We have learned that Titius declares himself willing to give up his sinful relations on the condition that he may go and say goodbye. He gives as reason that he has much to discuss with her and that he must recover some articles of his. He chooses the night-time that people shall not talk about him. None of these reasons are valid, because whatever he has to tell her he can do by writing, and the articles belonging to him can be sent to him either through the mail, or by some trustworthy person. Why should there be a leave-taking, when there must never be another meeting between them? When saying goodbye people are likely to become wrought up. The passion, strong enough to have caused them to sin, would be powerfully aroused, and instead of a parting there may very likely be the beginning of a new life of sin; at the very least there would be grievous sinning more than probable, and this would be favored by the time, the place, and the circumstances (solus cum sola ultimo). It would really be a miracle if no sin would be committed. God protects only those who venture into danger through necessity. Titius is frail. He has been unsuccessful in combating temptations. Will he not almost certainly be overcome again? Will the tempter or temptress not whisper to him, Just once more, it is the last time! Consequently Father L.ucas had no right to allow Titius this nocturnal farewell visit.

In conclusion let us say that it may puzzle some why such a delicate subject was chosen by us for discussion. It was done, because so many confessors are on this point guided by an incomprehensible laxity, they absolve everything that comes their way. The priest at his ordination receives not only the power to remit sins, but to retain them likewise. When a confessor, however, quoad sextum, cherishes the axiom: "These are sins of weakness, they can not be helped. It always has been, and always will be so," we will answer, To be sure the individual is powerless to turn this turbid tide, but if all work together this tide will be kept within bounds so that it may not overflow and cause disaster. After all, where must the responsibility for the shocking increase in frivolity among our people be placed if not on the laxness of confessors? Would that all confessors acted according to the principles of Blessed Leonard of Port Maurice, written down in his admirable "Instructions for Confessors."

The souls who through the fault of lax confessors lived on for years in the gravest sins, who died in them and went to perdition, will cry to God for vengeance. Let us apply fire and iron there, as Blessed Leonard advises, where on the above point gentle advice and earnest exhortations are fruitless. Only by concerted action of our confessors can the trend of immorality of our time be successfully. checked, at least among our own people.