Question I: Concerning Spouses

I. The special obligations of spouses are usually numbered as three:

1. Mutual love and assistance: namely an intimate and special love, and one conformable to the order of charity, so that it inspires in the wife reverence toward her husband and obedience in good morals and in the governing of the house, because the man is the head of the woman; but the husband should be a protection to his wife and should show benevolence to her, because she is not his servant or maid, but a suitable companion. Hence in daily life they ought patiently to bear each other's defects; nevertheless at times the wife can charitably admonish and exhort the husband, while the husband can correct, reprove, and chastise the wife, that she may fulfill her duties, even authoritatively, but moderately, and ordinarily only lightly.

2. Cohabitation, because they have entered marriage unto an undivided sharing of life; hence regularly they ought to dwell together unless a grave reason excuses; and the wife is bound to follow the husband if it can be done without grave harm, but not if the husband wishes to wander about, unless this was his condition before the marriage, because then the wife is presumed to have consented in this.

3. Chaste fidelity as to the conjugal due, so that at the same time every approach to adultery may be closed off, and also imprudent familiarity with another person, and likewise every vice against nature may be avoided; concerning this we have spoken sufficiently in the little work Questions concerning Chastity and Lust, q. 8.

II. Spouses sin gravely:

A. Generally: 1. those who hate one another, or provoke one another with insults or quarrels;

2. those who indulge unjust jealousy;

3. those who deliver their heart to an outside person of the other sex and withdraw it from their spouse, even if they leave the body to the spouse for conjugal acts;

4. those who are accustomed to deny to one another due assistance, especially if in grave necessity;

5. those who habitually do not cohabit without a sufficient reason;

6. those who deny the conjugal due without a grave reason, all the more if they break matrimonial fidelity.

B. In particular, the husband sins:

1. if he denies his wife food and support, or, when he can, does not provide it, unless she has departed by her own fault;

2. if he treats his wife very harshly and roughly, or compels her to labors which are altogether unbecoming to her condition;

3. if he afflicts his wife with insulting or defamatory words;

4. if without grave cause he impedes her as to the practice of religion;

5. if he beats her gravely;

6. if he greatly afflicts her by his drunken revels and other disordered passions;

7. if he is very negligent in the governing of the family estate.

C. But the wife sins:

1. if she provokes her husband by quarrels or words to grave anger or blasphemy;

2. if, despising her husband, she herself wishes to govern and is notably disobedient, unless the husband commands altogether unreasonably;

3. if she gravely neglects the household, indulging sloth or amusements; or, being given to luxury, she exasperates her husband;

4. if she habitually thrusts herself into the administration of the house, not in the manner of one helping but of one ruling; unless there is a just cause, such as if the husband as a spendthrift dissipates the goods of the family or is unfit for management; but let her not easily think this latter thing.

What can be lawful for spouses as to their goods of fortune, and how they can be guilty of injustice, is declared in the treatise on Justice.¹

¹ Cf. Summa Theologiae Moralis, II, nn. 181-182.

III. Spouses are to be questioned:

1. Each one, whether he or she lives well with the consort, so that they are of one mind; whether they employ every solicitude and care for the Christian education of the offspring; whether they permit themselves nothing which is opposed to the ends of marriage.

2. The husband, whether he keeps faith with his wife, and supplies the family the sustenance due to it.

3. The wife, whether she obeys the husband in honest and lawful things; whether she has not provoked the husband to anger or blasphemy; whether she has not defrauded him of the conjugal due.

As far as possible, such questioning should be done in more modest words, especially to a wife; for example, whether she has not been disobedient to her husband as regards marriage, whether perhaps she has some doubt which troubles her concerning marriage, and so on. This questioning can generally be omitted with persons who are truly pious, unless nevertheless there is some special reason for doubting.

IV. Special tribulations occur for spouses, which arise from three sources: from vices, from the evil morals of children, and from adverse fortune.²

² Cf. Aertnijs, Th. P., n. 144-147; Reuter, Neo-conf., n. 130-135.

As to the first: a) If one spouse complains against the other, the confessor should not at once believe that the complaining one is free from fault, nor condemn the other while the cause is unknown, nor in the presence of the wife cast blame upon the husband, even if he is certainly guilty; because women by their nature, being forward, easily object faults to their husbands, especially if these have been condemned by the judgment of the confessor. Therefore it is better, while passing over the matter, to commend prayer, patience, meekness, and greater solicitude in showing services to the husband.

b) If the wife complains of the severity and anger of the husband, the confessor should persuade her to pray for the husband, to be diligent in rendering services to him, and to add extraordinary things to ordinary ones, for example by preparing foods pleasing to him and saying that she does this so that it may be well with him; that she be exactly obedient; that she be silent while the husband is angry or drunk. Let her try to lead the drunken man to bed with gentle words so that he may sleep; and on the following day, if an admonition seems likely to profit, let her lovingly admonish the husband while he is well disposed. If an angry man must be answered, let her answer gently, for "a soft answer breaketh wrath, a harsh word stirreth up fury" (Prov. XV, 1). If nothing is of avail, there is need of patience, by which she may obtain consolation from God and merit.

c) On the other hand, if the wife attempts to dominate the husband, the husband should be advised to dissuade the wife gently, but by no means to show himself timid, otherwise the woman would become more insolent; if gentle words do not profit, let him resist graver things and do contrary to what the wife wills, yet let him sometimes consent; let him discharge his own office well, lest he provide the wife any occasion of complaint.

As to the second: If a parent complains that the children are disobedient, fierce, and given to idleness, the confessor should exhort him to examine whether perhaps this has happened by his own fault from neglected education, for example because in childhood he indulged them too much, did not restrain them from wicked companionships, or, on the contrary, treated them too harshly and addressed them with curses and disgraceful words; then it is not strange that the children have become stubborn and disobedient. Let him remember his own youth, whether he himself did not err.

The correction of children should have paternal kindness mixed with rigor. Moreover, while the offspring is being punished by one parent, if it is not done beyond measure, let the other beware lest he openly oppose it, or afterward flatter the offspring as though it had suffered innocently; this removes the fruit of correction and makes children refractory. If one parent seems to need admonition from the other, let this be done secretly from the children.

As to the third: If they complain of a defect of means for sustenance, the confessor should console them and stir them to patience and conformity with the divine will; let him say that the salvation of the soul is to be preferred to all things; let him exhort them to educate their children in the fear of God; let him stir them to confidence in God, who said: "Seek first the kingdom of God, and the rest shall be added unto you." In the service of God there is true happiness; and mediocrity is sufficient for man, since riches are for many an occasion of perversity and damnation.

V. Spouses are to be admonished according to opportunity concerning their obligations; and indeed:

1. That not all things are lawful for married persons, but that the sanctity of marriage can be defiled.

2. That in this matter a threefold rule holds: those things are lawful which of themselves are ordered to the primary end of marriage; things contrary to this are gravely evil, such as adultery, pollution, sodomy, onanism; but useless things are only lightly evil if they are done without great danger of pollution.

3. That doubts occurring concerning this matter are to be explained to the confessor with great confidence.

4. Let it be said to the husband that he should not ask the due at a time when it is gravely harmful to the wife; but to the wife, that she is bound under grave sin to render the due, unless she is excused by infirmity or special harm.

5. When occasion is also given, let speech be made concerning the obligation of carefully avoiding causes of abortion, of baptizing the fetus in a case of abortion, of not taking a little infant into bed lest it be suffocated, nor older boys or girls, that is, those already enjoying the use of reason or approaching it, lest scandal be given to them.

6. Especially in modern times they are to be admonished and questioned concerning onanism, even if the confessor "foresees that several are to be driven from good faith and that many will desert the sacraments," as the Sacred Penitentiary responded, 10 May 1886; but those who are in a proximate occasion of sin because they act against nature are to be treated as habitual sinners and recidivists; hence if they always relapse in the same way without hope of amendment, they are not to be absolved. See those things which we said in the little work Concerning Various Categories of Penitents, especially c. 1, q. 3, n. V.

VI. Admonition concerning the limitation of offspring to be generated. - Since the matter is of great importance and in our days much agitated, let it be pleasing to make some observations concerning it. Now the limitation of offspring to be generated can be obtained in a threefold way:

1. By observing continence. This mode is lawful, provided that it is done by the common counsel of both spouses and without proximate danger of incontinence. Indeed, to observe continence from a motive of virtue is of itself better than to generate offspring, as is clear from the example of the Blessed Virgin and St. Joseph. But in practice it will rarely be opportune to counsel this mode, on account of the frequent danger of incontinence. The Apostle wrote, I Cor. VII, 5: "Defraud not one another, unless perhaps by consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to prayer; and return again together, lest Satan tempt you because of your incontinence."

2. By using means contrary to nature, such as onanism. This is always gravely illicit, so that it can never be legitimized for any reason. Concerning this we have spoken sufficiently in the little work Concerning Chastity and Lust, q. 8, a. 4.

3. By exercising the conjugal act exclusively in the time of agenesia, so that every conception of offspring may thus be avoided. This is not contrary to nature, and therefore not gravely or always illicit.

The time of agenesia is called that in which conception happens more rarely, indeed not at all; whence by this practice generation becomes little probable or even impossible.

Formerly this time was determined by the physician Capellmann and others in this way: from ten or fourteen days after the beginning up to three or four days before the new menstruation of the woman. For they thought that ovulation in the woman, and therefore fertility, coincided with menstruation, so that during the month the woman was fertile from day 1 to day 14, sterile from day 15 to day 25, and again fertile from day 26 to day 28.

But afterward it was discovered that menstruation does not coincide with ovulation, although it is a connected phenomenon; but that it takes place between two ovulations. Concerning this matter diverse computations made by physicians are found. According to the most recent experiments of Doctor Knaus, the woman would be fertile from day 11 to day 17 after menstruation has occurred, sterile from day 1 to day 10, and from day 18 to day 28. According to Doctor Ogino she would be fertile from day 12 to day 19 before the following menstruation (exceptionally to day 24), but sterile for 11 days before the following menstruation, and for 9 days (exceptionally only for 4) after menstruation has occurred. Hence certain persons would wish that the theory, as they say, of Ogino-Knaus be widely spread, so that human generation could be subjected to certain rules, and an effective remedy be provided against the horrible practice of onanism so widely diffused.

Concerning this it must be noted:

A. As to the very dissemination of the matter, general diffusion and broad propagation among the people, especially if to be done by priests, does not seem praiseworthy:

a) because it is apt to harm the common good;

b) because it easily provokes scandal, and leads to onanism: for since the effect of each practice is the same, is there not a danger that they may not sufficiently perceive the difference between the two, and finally make use of the unnatural mode, as easier and more certain?

B. As to the matter itself:

1. Although day by day the said theory approaches more to certainty, nevertheless the computation seems only approximate; whence, in order certainly to avoid conception, even in the said theory, spouses would have to abstain from union for a rather long time, namely from day 4 to day 19 or 20 after menstruation: certainly longer than is sometimes proclaimed by those promoting the theory.

2. The experiments do not seem sufficiently certain, because a) the time during which the ovum and semen remain apt for fertilization is not yet certain; b) the experiments are not numerous enough to produce every kind of certainty; and c) several were made not in the human species but in animals, whence from them one can conclude only by analogy.

3. Early, later, or supplementary ovulation is always possible, whence in fact fertilizations have occurred at other times.

4. Hence others say that there is no general law, but that the matter depends on the diverse condition of the woman; but others say that there is no time in which conception is not strictly possible.

From these things it is clear how cautiously the confessor ought to proceed in affirming or counseling in this matter; in particular, let him avoid proposing the time of agenesia as if through it generation were altogether certainly avoided.

C. As to morality:

1. From the fact that an act is not contrary to nature, it does not yet follow that it is plainly lawful and, a fortiori, honorable; in the case, voluntarily exercising conjugal union only at that time when conception cannot occur is indeed not an act contrary to nature, since in that mode it is instituted as nature indicates, but it is an act indifferent of itself, yet ill-sounding, which, in order to be lawful and honorable in the concrete, requires a co-honestating reason.

2. In particular, that act, indifferent of itself, is not lawful and honorable unless it be done from a good end: such an end is not to seek pleasure without a burden, to wish to avoid offspring without a just reason, or from egoism more easily to enjoy all the conveniences and pleasures of modern life. In these cases there is venial sin, since according to the common doctrine of theologians to exercise the conjugal act for pleasure alone is venial.

3. Even if a right end is present, the act will not be good unless it is done with due circumstances, and therefore by mutual consent, without danger of incontinence and without detriment to conjugal love and fidelity; otherwise mortal sin would be present.

4. In a particular case, in which a sufficient reason is present for avoiding procreation, the aforesaid practice can cautiously be suggested, rather by a physician than by a priest, only to those who cannot observe continence: let it be said to them that in this case it is lawful.

5. Finally, to inveterate onanists, whose amendment cannot be hoped for, the same practice can cautiously, as the Sacred Penitentiary said, 16 June 1880, be suggested: as a lesser evil in those who are determined to commit a greater one.

The doctrine proposed in this way is sufficiently common among moralists.

VII. Observation concerning betrothed persons. - Just as spouses, so betrothed persons are to be instructed concerning their present and future obligations. Generally they are to be admonished to celebrate marriage as soon as possible: thus very many sins are prevented; but as to the preliminary intimacies of preparation for marriage, we spoke in the work Questions concerning Various Categories of Penitents, c. 2, q. 3, n. VI.

1. Let the confessor especially see whether there is any prohibiting or diriment impediment, ecclesiastical or civil, so that it may be opportunely removed if this can be done; otherwise marriage and keeping company must be renounced.

2. When occasion is given, let him explain the true nature of Christian marriage and its dignity and sanctity, and let him inculcate that civil marriage is nothing but a mere formality, necessary for obtaining civil effects.

3. Let him use every zeal so that betrothed persons prepare themselves for the great sacrament of marriage by prayer, the practice of virtues, and the reception of the sacraments, or at least, purified by confession, receive it well; hence if a betrothed man, making confession in order to contract marriage, is doubtfully disposed, he is to be absolved conditionally; if he is indisposed, he cannot be absolved, but according to opportunity he can be admonished concerning the obligation of disposing himself for the sacrament through perfect contrition.

4. Let him admonish concerning the most grave end of marriage and concerning the obligations of spouses and parents. Nevertheless let him speak with great prudence concerning the use of marriage; and indeed:

a) let him send a girl who labors under ignorance to her mother or another pious woman, and exhort her, once marriage has been contracted, to have recourse to him in doubts;

b) but let him instruct one corrupted or one who knows, in an honorable manner.³

³ Good counsels are found in St. Francis de Sales, Introduction a la vie devote, III, c. 38-39; Ciolli, Direttorio, nn. 94-96; Stohr, Pastoralmedizin, and others. For the instruction of spouses and betrothed persons, innumerable little works have been published in the vernacular language. It is enough to indicate certain ones: Joseff, Conseils pour la preparation au Mariage; Nysten, Ce que les fiances et les epoux doivent savoir; Instructions familieres sur le Mariage; De Smet, Het christelijk Huwelijk (French: Le Mariage chretien); Voor de Trouwers; Mervillie, Trouwersboekske; Aertnijs, Bruidsexamen en Bruidsonderricht (in N. K. St. 1906); Appelman, Voor en in het Huwelijk; V. d. Burg, Ouderzorg en Ouderweelde; for the educated: Schim Van der Loef, Het voortplantingsleven van den Mensch; together with W. J. Duynstee, De Leer der Kuischheid; Ehrler, Gluckliches Eheleben; Ehelehre; Holler, Ehekatechismus; Baur, Gluckliches Eheleben; under the title Brautsunterricht various authors have written: Glockes, Rist, Sommer, Krick; also Wilhelm, Das Eheleben, or the anonymous writing: Die Ehe (translated into Dutch: Het Huwelijk), published in Donauworth, but these last two seem to be commended only with some discretion.

As to precautions to be used in the confession of betrothed persons, so that it may be made with perfect sincerity, it will not be unwelcome to report what the Mechlin Theology, de Poen. (4), n. 97, q. 2, has:

"As to the confession of a sin committed by mutual consent between betrothed accomplices, that they may be brought to confess their offenses integrally, certain precautions are indicated by theologians, which are usefully employed.

"The first is that confessors should set for themselves a rule of always questioning those about to marry concerning sins which are opposed to the sixth and ninth precepts of the Decalogue; this can be done in about this way. 'For the greater disposition and tranquility of conscience of those who are to be joined in marriage, I am accustomed to propose certain questions to them: I ask that you answer them sincerely and with confidence, and that you do not fear, even if you have sinned gravely, that absolution is to be refused to you. On the occasion of your approaching marriage, have there not arisen in you immodest thoughts? have illicit familiarities not occurred? God has seen all things, and to Him alone do you confess here,' etc.

"The second precaution consists in this, that the one should be heard first who is believed likely to confess more confidently and more integrally, either because he blushes less, which is proper to men, or because she is more fearful, as women are wont to be, or because he or she is accustomed to confess candidly to this confessor.

"The third precaution is indicated by some, namely, that the one who has confessed first be induced to say to the other, before this other approaches, that he or she has openly confessed that sin, and that therefore it is also to be declared confidently by the other.

"The fourth precaution seems to some to be that the confessor should ask, from the one who first confesses the sin, permission to question the other concerning it. This, however, could seem odious to many penitents; hence it is not to be used if it is to be feared that the penitent would bear it badly, or if this penitent is foreseen to be about to confess candidly of himself or herself.

"But when permission of this kind has been given altogether spontaneously and with the other conditions recounted above, let the confessor use it prudently and kindly, so that the accomplice may draw consolation from this in confession rather than any burden."

The author adds: "A similar difficulty can arise for the confessor of two spouses or of others who have together committed a grave sin of incontinence, injustice, etc.; and the same principles must be applied to them."

These things indeed are not always to be employed, nor toward everyone, which would not be equitable, but according to opportunity.