Question IV: Concerning Men and Women

I. Importance of the confession of men. - Regularly, in ministering Penance, men are to be preferred to women, both because more often they have committed greater sins and are more in need of confession, and because their confessions are more fruitful, as of those who are furnished with greater reflection and constancy, and because, if they are instituted and preserved in Christian life, the good will be better, which extends more broadly and is of greater efficacy. Hence greater care is to be expended upon them than upon pious women, as being more necessary and useful; especially upon those who are not much solicitous concerning piety and rarely confess, concerning whom we shall speak specially in the present matter.¹

¹ Cf. Reuter-Lehmkuhl, Neo-conf., nn. 118 a and b; Frassinetti, Th. M., diss. 15, § 2; Berardi, Praxis conf., nn. 1134 and 1083.

But in our times it is to be lamented that many men, especially in greater cities and industrial regions, and from almost all ranks, exist alienated from frequenting the sacraments and the exercise of religion. There are several causes of this evil:

1. several are so immersed in material and temporal things that they can scarcely lift the soul to higher things;

2. then morals exist depraved, which many do not wish to amend, or despair that they can amend, whence it happens that they exclude themselves from the sacraments of the Church;

3. finally faith itself languishes or even is extinguished, which is the root of all Christian life and honesty of morals. This loss of faith is prepared and effected by:

a) curiosity for knowing, pride, and the striving for every kind of liberty and dissolution, which bears any subjection with difficulty;

b) desire of reading impious and irreligious things, and the practice of conversing with unbelievers, who are now found not only among cultivated men but even among the common people themselves;

c) pleasures and lust, which extends very widely and, every shame having been laid aside, goes forth into public; indeed it is openly praised, or now is not regarded as a vice, or is counseled by physicians themselves;

d) immoderate labors, whether from necessity for sustenance, or from an immoderate thirst for temporal goods, or from an excessive part given to public or social life, which leave no time for thinking of heavenly things and for piety.

II. Manner of acting with men. - That a remedy may be furnished for the aforesaid evils: 1) care must be taken that men are not forced to wait, lest, namely, they go away and no longer wish to return; indeed if possible, let the confessor hear them before women, because they are more impatient and occupied; whence it is to be feared that they go away, while women more easily return;

2. they are to be received with a joyful countenance and affectionate affability, so that they understand that the confessor gladly hears their confession, even if they are of inferior condition;

3. rules of perfection (excepting religious men or very pious men) are not to be suggested to them; but rather the confessor will be wholly in this, that they conceive a great horror against mortal sin and satisfy the duties of their proper state;

4. toward them one must proceed with greater indulgence and every possible kindness, declaring to them only those obligations concerning whose existence there can be no doubt; sincerely, however, indeed let the confessor be altogether firm and inflexible if it is a question of flight from a voluntary and proximate occasion, of the burden of restoring, and of proper duties; excessive kindness in this would be cruelty;

5. they are not to be rebuked and scolded with harsh manners, but rather to be beseeched with fatherly charity, from which it will happen that, if the confessor must absolutely require something, they understand that he acts from the necessity of office and from true charity, and cannot do otherwise, for their good;

6. in one word, care must be taken that they remain content; hence thus they are allured to return, and this especially if they are great sinners, or if they rarely approach the sacrament.

III. Special counsels. - Especially a) one must insist that men joined in matrimony not neglect care of the family and domestic life, but hold this obligation as principal;

b) nevertheless they are not to be enclosed between domestic walls, lest they abstain from public affairs, especially good Catholics; but they are to be exhorted, as far as possible, to enter assemblies for the defense of religion and social order;

c) attention must be given to what they read and whom they frequent, so that they decline association with the impious and are turned away from depraved books or newspapers; the more cultivated from those which spread the errors of liberalism and indifferentism, the common people from socialistic writings; indeed good books or daily papers are prudently to be commended to them.

IV. Danger in the confessions of women.² - No one will deny that of all the rocks upon which a priest can strike in this age, none is more mournful and full of dangers; whence all authors of moral, ascetical, or pastoral theology, and all who have written for priests devoted to the sacred ministry, insist that the relations of confessors and penitents of the female sex be duly regulated. The reasons for this are:

² Cf. Reuter, o. c., nn. 110-113; St. Alphonsus, Pr. Conf., nn. 110-120; Frassinetti, Th. M., diss. 15, § 3; Berardi, Pr. Conf., nn. 1135 and 1083; Aertnijs, Th. P., nn. 139-143.

1. The female character: a) ordinarily women, furnished with vivid imagination and sensibility, manifest lesser reason and will, whence they are moved by sensible things, inconsiderate and inconstant; curiously inquiring and speaking much; adhering more to minute circumstances than to solid and immutable principles; easily moving complaints and exaggerating many things, even without knowing it; b) weaker by nature and conscious of their own infirmity, they attempt to attain their end by various artifices, roundabout ways, and insinuations, and with marvelous patience; c) made for man, and naturally subject to him, they are easily subjected to him, gladly enjoy his society, naturally seek him, especially a priest or religious, either because he is not attached to another woman, or from vanity because he enjoys consideration, or because the generous character of his vocation allures; but if they love someone, love easily passes into vehement passion; d) ordinarily less depraved than men, women become worse if they are corrupted, in which case they rage more and are much more dangerous.

2. Hence the first danger to be feared is excessive confidence toward women: they are not easily to be believed in their complaints and tears, but rather to be exhorted to patience; nor are they to be heard in those things which they say concerning others; nor must anything more be asked by them than can be publicly repeated; nor must response be made to insidious questions by which they strive to know our ideas, gestures, and especially weaknesses, chiefly facts which regard the clergy or a religious Order.

3. A graver danger is excessive or inordinate affection toward them. Rare are the women who do not furnish occasion for this; they are accustomed rather often, without depraved intention, sometimes also maliciously, to provoke it:

a) There are many who, by multiplying signs of kindness and tender attention, devote themselves to the priest; by these their affection is nourished and increased, and by these the priest does not always remain unmoved. But if he yields somewhat, a dangerous temptation easily arises as regards persons with whom he converses more frequently and more intimately, especially while beauty is present in those persons.

b) Others, led by a certain need to love and to be loved, deliberately seek to provoke the affection of the priest; toward these it will be opportune to use the greatest vigilance, and besides, as far as possible, to teach them to seek satisfaction of the aspiration either in a higher love toward Christ, or in legitimate conjugal union.

c) Finally others, shameless, intend the same from malice; these are known by lighter and excessively free acts to which they ordinarily have come because of imprudent concessions of the priest. These must be irrevocably refused, because for them the priest can now procure no good; whence let them seek another confessor for themselves, whom besides they will easily find.

Therefore, although there are certain more excellent women who, most distinguished in virtue, are raised even above men, nevertheless such strong women are very rare, and still rarer are those altogether safe, who furnish cause for no danger: for we are all fragile and can fear a fall. Hence neither age, nor virtue, nor the greatest perfection, nor the religious habit can be a legitimate reason for leaving behind severe cautions.

V. Manner of acting with women. - Therefore the confessor, especially a younger one, if he is considerate and prudent, cannot fail to fear that danger. This holy fear will be for him a guard. But he who fears danger will use the following means.

1. He who fears danger assiduously and fervently begs divine help, and, in exercising his ministry, often lifts his heart to God for preserving that tranquility of soul, indeed, as it were, insensibility and indifference never to be esteemed enough, lest toward a woman he conceive an affection which can be ruinous and so easily steals in, especially among the young.

2. He who fears danger guards the eyes, and never casts them upon penitents approaching or departing, nor considers them with fixed gaze. Some immediately know all penitents... blessed are those who know none, unless perhaps someone had to speak to one outside the confessional: it will be a sign that he has excellently guarded heart and eyes.

3. He who fears danger does not use excessively familiar expressions or soft words which savor of sensual affection or arouse passion, but speaks to penitents modestly, seriously, and altogether reverently, even if they do not expect such observance, regarding in them only the image of Jesus Christ redeemed by His blood. Speech with women, says St. Bernard, should be (even in confession) rare, not too frequent; brief, namely concerning necessary matters, so that even in spiritual counsels brevity and simplicity are pursued; and austere, so that one always proceeds with fatherly gravity and altogether avoids expressions of excessive tenderness and levity.

4. He who fears danger has rectitude and great purity of intention, and severely closes the entrance of the heart to tender affections, even if they are provoked by excellent gifts of soul or singular virtues which shine in one or another; indeed toward such there is need of greater advertence, because the danger is of greater adhesion, and spiritual love is accustomed to transgress due limits: for sanctity, as experience has proved, rather often furnishes an occasion for hallucinations.

5. He who fears danger questions most purely in certain matters: content if he knows the species of the sin and its causes and occasions, he does not inquire curiously concerning the manner.

6. He who fears danger beware of every friendship and familiarity with women, and holds them, even if he hears them for several years, as strangers; he does not visit them at home, nor permit them to come to his home for the sake of speaking. For if he is younger, there is need of vigilance; if old, that he may be an example to others, nor even then is danger always absent.

By using these cautions he will be able to hear confessions without having to lament any fall in the exercise of the holy ministry, with the grace of God.

VI. Things especially to be avoided. - 1) Let him remember Ecclus. XLI, 15: "Have care for a good name," so that he not only be chaste, but take care to be held as such, far from every suspicion of a less pure conscience, after the example of Christ, who never suffered anything to be objected to Him against chastity. But if it is necessary outside confession to see his female penitents, let him act circumspectly, let him not sit alone with one alone in secret, touch the hand of no one, nor permit his own to be touched by any.

2. Let him beware besides lest he seem to bear it badly if penitents happen to turn aside to another confessor: for this proceeds from inordinate affection and can be an occasion of sacrilegious confession. Wherefore if the penitent manifests the desire of approaching another, let the priest congratulate her, unless perhaps he knows the confessor to be less suitable; in that case let him take care that she approach another to whom she is unknown. But if she herself has approached another, let the confessor not ask concerning the time at which she last confessed; in these things, namely, let him preserve total indifference.

3. When an unaccustomed penitent approaches, let him not show that he knows her; but if it happens once or another time, let him ask nothing; if, however, it were a question of a stable change of confessor, the motives would have to be inquired into, for the sake of giving useful counsel.

4. Let the confessor beware of all partiality among various penitents.

5. In worldly persons, that they may be corrected, attention must be given to the sins proper to them, especially if they are, or think themselves to be, of better condition. "Certain women sacrifice a great part of the day to pride or vanity by arranging the body and painting the face; they stand at the door and frequent the church that they may see and be seen; they desire to be praised and honored; they envy praise and honor in others and detract from them; they follow luxury in clothing, bear the breast uncovered, love visits, lose time in playing and chatting..., turn morning into full day, neglect divine things, or wish to be present only at the last Mass. Their idol is comfort and the feminine world" (Reuter, Neo-Confessarius, n. 111). But if such women are married, they will watch more over vanity than over the domestic matter and offspring to be educated; to these the obligations of state are to be firmly expounded and means of amendment prescribed.

VII. Concerning widows Aertnijs notes, Th. P., n. 143, q. 2: The confessor: "1. as far as lies in him, should give effort that they guard chastity. If the effort should be vain, let him impel them to second nuptials. 2. Let him exhort them to administer the family diligently, keep their children in duty, and preserve their authority entire. 3. Those who conduct themselves honorably and have decreed to abstain from second nuptials, let him confirm in their purpose; and therefore let him admonish them that they immediately refuse any suitor whatever, and beware all familiarity with the other sex, for otherwise the purpose would vanish shortly. 4. Let him turn rich matrons away from a life given to idleness, vanity, and delights; but let him excite them to performing works of piety and charity."