Courtships

I. Courtships or visits of lovers with a view to marriage, considering present-day morals, can be held as necessary. Nevertheless, they are commonly not made without danger, although the danger arises more from solitary courtship than from courtship as such. Solitary courtship is understood as that which has place outside the sight of others.

II. Solitary courtship for many is already a priori, so to speak, a proximate occasion; for many it can become a proximate occasion; and as soon as the courting persons have sinned gravely, it has become a proximate occasion and must be treated as such by the confessor.

III. That the danger may be diminished the more, let the following precautions be used:

1. Courtship should be permitted only to those who can and will enter marriage within a reasonable time. If younger persons have begun courtship, let it be deferred; if the hope of entering marriage sufficiently soon is lacking for a reason other than age, and the courtship cannot conveniently be interrupted, let the visits be diminished.

2. Let the lovers not dwell under the same roof.

3. Let them obtain the consent of parents as soon as possible; this does not prevent certain beginnings of love from sometimes being tolerated even without the parents' knowledge, namely so that they may know whether some reciprocal affection is present.

4. Let one not be alone with a lone person, or let courtship not be made outside the sight of others. This happens if it is done in a closed room; in a house while no one is present or all have gone away to bed; when a girl follows a young man to the door of the house toward evening or at night; in a remote place; in darkness, even if in a public place. It happens less when they are in a room and the mother now and then leaves very briefly on account of domestic business; scarcely or not at all when by day a young man accompanies a girl along a public road. It is also more dangerous if the courting persons deliberately seek solitude.

5. Let the visits not be too frequent, nor too prolonged.

6. If it happens that they are alone, let them not approach each other; this in itself is dangerous and gives occasion to immodest touches.

7. Let them fortify themselves with spiritual helps, especially frequency of the sacraments.

Corollary. The breaking off of a courtship should not easily be imposed on account of sins alone, namely if otherwise nothing stands in the way of the courtship; rather, in every way, even by delaying absolution for those who relapse, let care be taken that one is not alone with a lone person. I would say this: 1. because solitary courtship, rather than courtship itself, is the occasion of sinning; 2. because a courtship to which otherwise nothing is opposed cannot be broken off without sufficiently grave inconvenience; and 3. because, even if it is broken off, afterward it is easily renewed. But if courting persons who have sinned can, on account of singular circumstances, converse only alone, the courtship is rightly called a necessary occasion, since to renounce a courtship to which otherwise nothing stands in the way is a grave inconvenience.

VI. Concerning courtships.⁴ - On the occasion of entering marriage courtship is commonly made, by which name is usually called the conversation of lovers with a view to future marriage, or at least under its pretext. Concerning this it must be said:

⁴ Cf. Haine, Th. M., I, q. 105; Marc, Th. M., I, nn. 825-828; Th. Mechl., de Poen. (4), n. 85; Aertnijs, Th. M., II, nn. 340-344; Frassinetti, Th. M., note 145 ad n. 460; Ballerini, de Poen., I, nn. 205-212; Noldin, Th. M., III, nn. 433-434.

A. Courtship which is made with a view to future marriage of itself is licit. For no one is bound to marry an unknown person, but each one can test with what character, what morals, and what qualities that person is furnished. Hence in most regions visits of lovers with a view to marriage have so entered the morals of the people that they must be called necessary.

Yet they are dangerous, especially among younger and less God-fearing persons, because they easily furnish an occasion of sinning against chastity, chiefly where greater familiarity and liberty begin, and the time of marriage approaches, as experience establishes and is easily understood from the depravity of concupiscence.

B. Courtship is illicit among persons who cannot, or do not seriously intend to, contract marriage within a reasonable time. For serious hope of future marriage is the only reason from which courtship can become licit; and with this absent, there would not be a legitimate cause for exposing oneself to danger. Now, to contract marriage:

1. those cannot who lack either an age suitable for establishing a family matter (for otherwise courtship would be too prolonged), or immunity from an impediment of marriage unless there is present a legitimate cause for seeking dispensation, or liberty, as sometimes soldiers, or sons of families if parents justly dissent because of the unworthiness of the person with whom they wish to associate, or because of need of the help of children;

2. those do not seriously intend, at least ordinarily, however much they protest, who are rich young men with respect to a poor girl, or who already from the first conversations solicit the girl to sin, or at least refuse the necessary cautions; or who after a reasonable time do not at all manifest the proposal of marriage, or continually defer nuptials without a just cause;

3. those cannot or do not will within a reasonable time who continue courtship with danger of fall for years. What time is legitimate cannot be defined by a certain rule for all cases, but is left to prudent judgment according to diverse circumstances; for making this judgment the practice of the God-fearing and the cautious or incautious manner of conversing contribute much. Generally speaking, if marriage is contracted within a year or a little more, the time does not exceed measure. But if it has already lasted too long, let the confessor take care that either it be broken off, or suspended for a time, or marriage be contracted as soon as possible.

C. That it may be carried out in an honorable manner and an occasion of sinning be turned away, courtship must be moderated by effective cautions, of which sort are:

1. that lovers not dwell under the same roof, at least for long, because of the greatest danger arising from excessive association and familiarity;

2. that as soon as possible they obtain the consent of parents (or of those who are in the place of parents for them): for if they frequent one another against the will or without the knowledge of parents, they will visit one another secretly with great danger;

3. that one alone with one alone not remain in places remote from the sight of others, or at nighttime; for if this is done not by chance but deliberately, it will be done only from a cause of lust or with the highest danger. This is a caution of the greatest moment, so that the obligation of parents (especially mothers) of diligently watching in this matter cannot be sufficiently urged by confessors as grave, not only by reason of conscience, but also from fear lest daughters, corrupted and dishonored in the paternal home, grow old there;

4. that they not have visits too frequent or protracted, which beget familiarity and passion. This is to be judged by the estimation of prudent persons: generally once or twice in a week for one or another hour is not immoderate; and what is immoderate can even be tolerated if there is fear lest prosperous nuptials be lost, provided that stricter cautions are observed;

5. that they avoid all things which can increase danger, especially immodest touches, embraces, and kisses. This must be especially inculcated after betrothal has been entered, or when marriage is imminent, since the bridegroom regards the bride as his own, the imagination of marriage soon to follow stirs lust, and fear of pregnancy vanishes;

6. that they fortify themselves in a special manner by spiritual aids, especially by frequenting the sacraments.

D. For lovers and the betrothed, honorable embraces, kisses, and touches are licit, for manifesting and fostering love, according to the custom of the country; not however kisses or embraces that are close, more often repeated and protracted for a notable time, because ordinarily they constitute a proximate danger of sinning, namely of consenting to venereal delight. And just as the love of betrothed persons is honorable, so also is the sensible delight which follows from that love and its manifestation, provided that it is not intended alone for its own sake, but because of another honest end: fostering love or a sign of benevolence. But if venereal delight perhaps is going to arise, a sufficient reason is present for permitting it, provided that consent to it is excluded. Yet one who in these demonstrations feels more imminent seminal emission must then gently interrupt the demonstration, if he can do so conveniently.

E. The bride is especially to be exhorted 1) that she permit nothing which is reserved to marriage, both that she may consult her own dignity and the happiness of marriage. For a) if the bridegroom acts insolently with the girl, with what reverence, civility, and moderation will he conduct himself toward his subject wife? b) otherwise in a short time it will happen that the bride is already so in the power of the bridegroom that she no longer has the option of breaking the betrothal or the relations; c) nuptials will already be less lovable for the man, if before marriage he is in some way satiated; d) the more carnal lust is fostered before nuptials, the less they will be joined because of a nobler affection;

2. that she not admit manifestations of love that are too free or too many, nor a fortiori solicit them: let her know that many things can more easily be exercised by her than by a young man without carnal commotion; whence let her fear cooperating in the sin of the bridegroom. Nevertheless she does not sin if she moderately admits kisses which are exteriorly honorable, although she suspects a less good intention: for she consents only to the exterior action, not to the internal intention.⁵

⁵ Cf. Vermeersch, De Castitate, pp. 297-298.

F. If courtship is for some persons a proximate occasion of sinning, they must:

1. break it off, if without grave harm they can renounce the present marriage and await the occasion of another marriage of equal value: for then the occasion of sin is voluntary;

2. amend it, if they cannot renounce that marriage without sin or without grave harm: e.g., because of betrothal, offspring to be legitimated, grave lawsuits to be avoided, another suitable marriage scarcely to be hoped for. For then the occasion is morally necessary. But then let them contract marriage as soon as possible, and meanwhile let them never be alone together; for this end let the girl ask her mother or sister never to depart while the lover is present;

3. suspend it for a time, or at least diminish it notably, if hope of marriage is altogether remote (e.g., after the death of parents); for then the occasion is not here and now necessary, and temporal separation is to be imposed.

1453. - Young men and girls loving one another and keeping company are placed in a proximate voluntary occasion - either a) without the intention of future Matrimony, - or b) without a founded hope of the same. Therefore these are to be treated in the manner which was said n. 1433 and 1436. q. 1°. - But if the intention and hope of Matrimony are present, distinguish. For either they visit one another in such a way that grave sin and its proximate danger are absent, or not. In the former case they can be absolved; in the latter they are to be treated as those who are placed in a proximate necessary occasion. See n. 1434, 1436. q. 2°.

But the cautions to be employed, lest the keeping company become sinful, or a proximate danger of sin, are: - 1) That they not dwell under the same roof; - 2) that one alone not be together with one alone, especially at that time (e.g. while the parents have gone out of the house), or in those places (e.g. in a field; in a solitary lane in night hours), where they are not observed by others. For these things, especially if they happen not by chance, but by counsel, will not happen except from an end of lust or with the greatest danger of lust. Wherefore one must act most severely with parents, and especially with the mother, and the grave obligation of vigilant custody and caution must be urged; - 3) that they not keep company without the knowledge or against the will of parents, or of those who are in the place of parents to them; for then most certainly they are going to visit one another secretly, and at those times and places at which they cannot be observed; - 4) that the keeping company not be protracted too long: wherefore a prudent confessor should leave no stone unmoved, so that he may avert from keeping company those between whom Matrimony cannot be contracted except after a long time, or is foreseen as having to be contracted after a long time; - 5) that the visits not be more frequent or more protracted than prudence, especially from the practice of the God-fearing, permits. Nevertheless the girl will be able to tolerate these (special cautions being opposed to the special danger which arises from them), if there is fear lest otherwise she be deprived of prosperous nuptials; - 6) that lovers not approach each other with proximate danger either of obscene touches, or of kisses, embraces, etc., prohibited under grave [sin] [see concerning the Sixth, n. 487. 488]; - 7) that lovers fortify themselves in a special way with spiritual helps, but chiefly with frequency of the Sacraments.

Let St. Alphonsus be heard concerning these things. "But generally speaking concerning young men and girls who love one another mutually, all these are not indiscriminately to be condemned for grave fault; but ordinarily I judge that with difficulty are they outside the proximate occasion of sinning lethally. This is too clear by experience; for out of a hundred adolescents scarcely two or three, in that occasion, are found immune from mortal [sins]."

Resolves. - 1° As soon as lovers frequently fall into mortal sin, they are to be treated as those who are placed in a proximate occasion, and therefore the occasion must either be altogether taken away, or from proximate be rendered remote. - It must be taken away, if in fact (all things considered) there is no hope that it will become remote, or it is not necessary, i.e. if without grave damage the lovers can renounce present Matrimony and await an occasion of another Matrimony.

But it is taken away either by renouncing Matrimony, or by contracting it, or by interrupting the visits until it is contracted.

It is rendered remote (supposing that it is necessary), if, the confessor taking care, they soon contract Matrimony, and meanwhile employ greater cautions, first of all diminish visits, are never alone, etc.

2° If lovers cannot converse except alone, suppose because the beloved woman is a maidservant or a widow living alone, they are placed in a necessary occasion from this cause at least, and are to be treated as such.

3° If the parents unjustly resist the Matrimony, the keeping company, provided nothing else stands in the way, is not illicit.

Note. To lovers only honorable kisses are lawful, according to the custom of the country, e.g. on arrival and departure.

Albert, a young Catholic, comes to confession and explains that he is betrothed to Bertha, likewise a Catholic. He visits her often and not rarely then sins by evil thoughts and desires; indeed, three or four times a week he has been accustomed to walk alone with her alone, when, he confesses, it has happened that he kissed her, embraced her, and sometimes touched her shamefully. When the confessor questions him further, he explains that these things have happened in almost the same way for a year. The confessor is placed in the greatest distress about what, finally, is to be done, whether he ought to prohibit the visits themselves, or whether it suffices to give some counsel. Hence it is asked:

1. Is lightness of matter to be admitted in sins of lust?

2. With respect to the unlawfulness of actions, does the same rule apply to those betrothed for future marriage as to unmarried persons in matters of lust?

3. What is to be said of the case?

1. See the answer to this question above, p. 237.

2. With respect to the unlawfulness of actions in the matter of lust, does the same rule apply to those betrothed for future marriage as to unmarried persons?

Those betrothed for future marriage, insofar as they are not yet joined in marriage, have no right to sexual pleasure, and therefore they must abstain from it and from those acts which are proximate occasions of sexual pleasure, just as unmarried persons must abstain from the same things.

Nevertheless, they are on the way to marriage, which condition gives a right to honorable means by which mutual love is fostered and manifested. Hence visits, conversations, letters, as well as kisses according to the honorable custom of the place, and other signs of mutual love, are permitted to those betrothed for future marriage. If those signs in a particular case are proximate occasions of sin, an effort must be made that, with remedies applied, they become remote, and that the marriage be entered into as soon as possible.

3. What is to be said of the case?

Albert is accustomed to sin by thoughts and desires when he visits his betrothed, Bertha. Three or four times a week he is accustomed to walk alone with her alone, and then to kiss her, embrace her, and sometimes touch her shamefully. These things occurred for almost a year.

The confessor must first urge the penitent that the marriage be entered into as soon as possible. In the meantime, there must be abstention from acts wholly unlawful, such as immodest touches, evil thoughts, and desires. The confessor cannot forbid visits and conversations. Walks of the man alone with the woman alone, provided they take place on public ways or with a female companion of Bertha added, could be tolerated because of custom and because of the almost insuperable difficulty of breaking them off. Albert is to be admonished to treat Bertha, his betrothed, with reverence if he wishes to find the same woman faithful as a wife.