Duties to Parents and to Children

Duties to Parents or Guardians in Reference to Marriage.—(a) There is, per se, a duty of consulting with one’s parents about one’s marriage; for he who marries without their knowledge, generally exposes himself to the danger of making a serious mistake, and moreover as a rule the interests of parents themselves are bound up intimately with the marriages of their children. Hence, unless a very serious reason excuses, he who marries without advising with his parents sins grievously by his rashness or want of filial affection. The same is true, if a child wilfully disregards the wishes of his parents by stubbornly marrying when for a good reason they disapprove. If their opposition is imperative and emphatic, or if they are grief-stricken at thought of the imprudent marriage, the sin is serious; but if their opposition is mild and the match not a very bad one, the sin is venial. The consent or counsel of parents is not necessary for validity, however, since it is not they who are getting married, and no law makes their consent or counsel an essential part of the compact. Per accidens, their consent or counsel is not even necessary for lawfulness, as when the children live far away from their parents, or when marriage has to be contracted without delay, or when the parents are unreasonable in their opposition.

(b) There is, per se, no duty of obeying one’s parents in the matter of marriage: first, because marriage supposes choice, admiration, and love, and these do not submit to dictation, even from parents; next, because in things that pertain to nature, such as self-preservation and procreation, children are not subject to their parents; finally, because the authority of parents does not extend to the whole lifetime of their children and marriage is a lifelong union. Hence, parents may not compel their children to marry or to remain single; they may not make the match for their children against the latters’ will, they may not force a child to marry a person whom he or she detests, they may not veto a marriage that does not appeal to them if the son or daughter has good reasons for it. Those parents sin, then, who refuse their blessing to a marriage out of selfishness, and those parents sin gravely who force their children into loveless unions and so make them unhappy in this world and endanger their salvation for the world to come. Per accidens, there is a duty of obeying parents in reference to marriage when one is obliged even apart from their command to do what they prescribe, when the marriage which they forbid is also forbidden by law (e.g., if the child is needed at home to support his indigent parents, if the mate selected will bring disgrace upon the family and the match can easily be broken off), or when the marriage which they require is also demanded by duty (e.g., if a son will surely enter upon a wild and reckless life unless he marries). See above, 2228, 2627, 2633, 2636, 2347, 2348, 2361 sqq.

Duties of Parents in Reference to Marriage.—(a) If there is question of the marriage of a child, parents should guide themselves by the rule of St. Paul: “Let her marry whom she will, only in the Lord” (I Cor., vii. 39). Undue pressure should be avoided, but bad marriages should be opposed, and parents should assist their children to marry well. (b) If there is question of a parent’s second marriage, the children’s interests should be considered in making the choice of the step-father or step-mother, and, if the children are grown up, they should be consulted, or at least they should not be unreasonably saddened or harmed by the new marriage.